there he goes again

When a friend told me she can't stop crying that her boyfriend who was once my very good friend (I introduced both of them ok) will be going to Riyadh for six months I silently wondered, 'kenapa aku tak nangis masa my own tunang pun going away?'

Tak sedih ke? Sedih sangat-sangat. I can't imagine not having him around, not yet. But the glimpse of thoughts of not having him around is excruciating. Alone pergi pasar, alone at the shop, alone watching movie, alone having dinner, alone running errands. sigh.

Its not like I am not used to not having him around. He went away for work for 3 months last 3 months but this time its different because the last time, I've got few bodyguards (our mutual friends) to take care of me, accompany me, look out for me, but since the whole dramamama unfold, we kind of broke apart.

This time I am definitely alone.

Oh, back to the point that the friend cried and I did not. Does that show that I am a strong girl, or am I feelingless?

Ah, esok je lah nangis. Heh.

going away.

He is going off again this Wednesday. And he only got to know it today.

I am sad.
I am going to miss him.
I love him.

Here goes the 100 days countdown again.

brothers & sisters

Boyfriend will be back in 7 days. Yeeaay!
I can't wait to start planning mm you know what lah. (I don't wanna jinx it.)
I miss him like gila okay. I got to talk to him for only 2 days and there he goes again. He would be uncontactable for 7 freaking days.

I am glad we're still as strong as ever.

****

My uncle went for a bypass the other day, and it freaked me out knowing my own uncle, someone I last met 2 months ago is still in the ICU after the surgery. I looked at my dad's wrinkly face and smile, feeling blessed because he is still infront of me, healthy, just healthy and happy.

The other he called me and ask me whether I would be home in time for dinner since my brother just got back from JB and he wants us to have dinner together. I ask them to go on without me because I don't want them to wait, just in case. But infront of Concorde I called him and luckily all of them are still in the kedai makan and so I joined them.
The minute I sat down, my mum said 'Dah lama tak makan sama-sama kan. I am so happy tonight.' She looked at my dad and nudged him and he said 'Tu lah. Dah lama tak macam ni. Lega tengok semua dah besar. And kaklong tak buat hal.'
Heh. Coming from a man with literally very few words, I smiled. Happy.

Then came questions from me such as 'ayah ada sakit jantung tak, jantung ayah sakit tak, high blood pressure ok tak, kenapa tak makan banyak-banyak, kerja penat tak.' He would usually disregard my questions because he thinks I am annoying that way, but that night he answered it patiently knowing his answers matters to me this time.

I can't imagine losing him. I don't want to imagine losing him. Losing them.

To Arina, I hope ayah ngah gets better soon.

****

It made me feel good when I paid the workers their salary the other day. But effing shit when I had to borrow some people money and had to hold some of the staffs' salary because I just can't afford to pay them yet.
Lucky we have that 7 day of the month maximum day labour law!

I wanted to buy my mom, my dad and my brother something. But it felt shitty when I hold that money in my hand contemplating on whether to spend it on my family or save it to buy stocks for tomorrow.
InsyaAllah I will prove to them one day that all this hardwork, my hardwork, is all worth it.

Now I am contemplating on staying up till 2am to watch lipstick jungle or to sleep because I have to wake up at 530am tomorrow. Heh.
Decisions decisions.

17 days left.

Another 17 days to go.
Please make the time go faster.
I really miss my boyfriend.

Gosh. So many things happening but seriously I have no time to tell yet.
One day. One day.

Good night.

Love note: Have enough courage to trust love one more time.. one more time.

mere update.

Aku penat sangat these few days. Bukannya aku yang mengecat, mengangkat barang, mengemas sangat atau apa-apa tapi aku rasa aku penat otak. Bila otak penat, badan pun akan turut penat. Betul? Your mind controls your body, betul kan?

Hm, aku rasa aku belajar sedikit sebanyak about myself. I am a flexible person, maybe a tad too flexible. I listen to my friend's opinion and unlike some people, I want to treat my workers like my friends and not be so business-like sebab aku rasa takde guna pun nak konon-konon tegas dengan orang yang kita perlukan. Betul tak? TAPI aku juga perasan, aku cepat menggelabah in handling things. That, I have to learn to control.

Semua masih dalam budget, masih dalam time frame yang masih tak mengoyahkan. Alhamdulillah.

InsyaAllah everything is going to be okay.

And I miss my boyfriend sangat-sangat.
Only 50 days to go. :)

3 words.

Pergi pukul 2. Dengan bul berdua. Berhenti di melaka. Sampai pukul 6. Ke singapura terus. Sampai pukul 7. He's already there. Hugged him tightly. Went to hooters. Enjoyed the tits. Jalan pimpin tangan. Tengok lampu-lampu. Lepas sedikit rindu. Balik pukul 2. Sampai at 3. Drove until melaka. Singgah ayer keroh. Bul pandu selebihnya. Sampai at 7. Singgah old town. Pulang ke rumah.

Discover true friend. Met the love. Fatigue, satisfied, thankful.

Thanks hasbullah.

See u in 60 days, love!

-via nokia

Love notes

Love note day 8: You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving,

Love note day 9: When we find someone who is brave, fun and loving, we have to thank the universe.

Love note day 10: When you love someone, you don't take anything for granted. You remember every smile, every kiss and every I love you.

Love note date 11: To love means to communicate to the other that ou are all for him, that you will never fail him or let him down when he needs you, but that you will always be standing by..

Love note day 12: It is a good thing to be rich and to be strong, but it is better to be loved - Euripides

Love note day 13: Just take my hand and rest your heart and stay awhile with me - Ashley Rice

Love note day 14: Not only do I want to spend today with you, my love, but tomorrow, the day after, and the very last day I'm given.

Love note day 15: Whoever lives true life, will love true love - Elizabeth Barret Browning

Love note day 16: Love isn't love till you give it away - Sounds of music

Love note day 17: Love is something eternal - the aspect may change, but not the essence - Vincent Van Gogh

Day 17

I just had lunch in the office. Wanted to go Subway but malas bontot (lazy ass haha) to jalan and so I makan nasi jeeee. Gah. Now terasa guilty. And sekarang teringin nak makan waffle yum yum kat daily fresh. Peanut butter and choc bebeh.

Random nak mampus.

Sekarang tangan bau busuk sebab makan pakai tangan tadi. Gah.

Oh, saya dah beli Revolutionary Road sebab nak tengok Kate Winslet bogel, yes man sebab I think I need that little dose of laughter and Slumdog Millionaire sebab semua orang kata best.
Malam ni mahu menonton.

Mm. Fak saya rindu boyfriend okay.
Last 2 days I went out with my jiran and when he tersentuh my hands, I startled as in 'wow, lamanya takde physical contact with any guys' tapi then I felt guilty nak mampus sebab I felt that way. Haish.
I don't like LDR! Damnit.

Day 16

In the office.

I don't know how to express how I feel at this moment. Its all mixed up.
I miss him very much, and we talk almost everyday but his touch, his smile has somehow faded in my mind. I feel like I am losing him, in a way and honestly I am scared.

And then there's this juggling everything by myself feeling. With this stupid job I don't seem to like because its just to hectic and PR-esque and honestly I don't like to deal with people, go to the boardroom and present and end up with some measly pay which I don't think is worth it. With the 2 classes that I have to go every Monday and Friday after work (my class starts at 630 and ends at 930 and I work from 9-6.). With this registration of enterprise, trading license thingy, deco, find cook, find workers thingy that I have to manage on my own (and some friends). With the application of loan for my own 1st car. Gosh, I wake up everyday thinking that I should not have burdened myself with this kinda trouble but well, that's life and hopefully I could cope with it. I just wish he was here to help me go through all this. I wake up everyday hoping to have that extra 5 minutes sleep.

****

Aku tak sampai hati nak cakap kat dia yang aku letih sangat to talk to him for an hour every night before aku tidur. But honestly, I need that extra hour to sleep and to the people yang kenal aku, sleep to me is precious.

:(

Day 8

I am in the office already. Haish.

Entry sangat rambang.

This year, I have got a lot of plans to execute. I mean to really really execute.

1. To finish at least 2 CIMA papers. Heh. I am taking 3 papers so by the end of the year, I expect to finish at least 2. Do-able? InsyaAllah.
2. To have an asset, under my own name. Most probably a car and I intent to pay the installments on my own. (Duhh, aku dah kerja kot, takkan punya ayah nak bayarkan pulak.)
3. Mm I don't want to jinx this but what the hell. I am in the midst of opening up a business with my bestfriend.
The plan is to buy this restaurant/cafe at Sunway and run it. We've already met the owner and went to the place and it is the perfect place to run a restaurant to cater to the office people and college kids there. Will probably pay some deposit before Khaulah balik OZ and will start running it somewhere mid April when she comes back for her break.
However, I have this stupid work contract which I have signed that ends on August so will probably need someone with an F&B background to run it first.
Alhamdulillah mama is willing to invest.
So fingers crossed, this one will work out.

****
Had some argument with the boyfriend because he's worried that I am getting a tad too close with one of his friend, our friend.
The thing is, this guy is someone I know, before I even know him.
So the question here is, if he trust me enough, wouldn't he be ok with it?
Its not like I am flirting with that guy pun.

And to quote another friend; even if kau cakap kau takkan jatuh hati kat mamat ni, but kau bukan malaikat and aku taknaklah benda dah jadi baru nak aku tegur.
Heh.
So to make a statement; I love my boyfriend and I care for my friend. Just because you are not comfortable with me being friends with him, doesn't mean that I would end my friendship with him. Friends do not break up, ok? And I know my limits and I am sure he knows it too.

****
Oh here's a pic my schoolmate tagged in FB.
Gila tomboy ok dulu! Dang!













Gambar 8 years ago ok! Wooooo.

Day 7

Love note day 5: A small dwelling in the wild meadow will be enough if you are there with me -Japanese Love Poem

Love note day 6: The supreme happiness of life is the conviction of being loved for yourself, or more correctly, being loved in spite of yourself -Victor Hugo

Love note day 7: Although I have a lamp and fire, stars, moon and sun to give me light, unless I look into your eyes, all is dark night -Bhantrhani

Sorry for not writing in here. I've been busy doing things.

On Saturday, went out for lunch with Dilalala after dah lama tak jumpa and we just lepak catching up and talking about things - I love having serious talks with her. Then met the hommies at some kopitiam and talk talk talk some more. I even bought them cupcakes.
Gave some of them to hommies, some of them to the guyfriends and me and Dilalala finished the rest.

Then on Sunday, went to Bijou with Hola, Dilalala and Hiddie at Soho coz I wanted to shop a bit. (I love love love flea market!) But maderfuker I forgot my atm card punya nombor and I was scared to hit it the 2nd time so I decided that I don't want to risk my card kena telan. Jadi I only bought 2 shirts using Dilalala's money.

Oh, piccies are in Hola's cam.
Oh by the way, I know this sounds lame but Bo Amir Iqram is maderfuker hot! I mean his voice lah kan and the way he holds his guitar. I wish someone could sing like that for me.
Anyway, we saw him before he starts his performance at Wendy's but we just disregard him because he's not exactly cute or whatever but well I recognised him because I once pegi KL tower heineken party and he was spinning with Joey G. (oh, they're a duo - cosmicspacemonkey) and I went to his album launch at Laundry because I accompanied Mikey as Bo tu kawan dia. Thought his music would be like loud, you know, the drum n bass, trance kinda music like the one yang he spins but nooooo, its soo soothing the album itself is titled 'Bedroom Sanctuary'. So yes, jatuh hati. Auw. Go buy it ok!

****

Have been ffk by a lot of friend lately. Should've been out with the guyfriends last Saturday for Valentshit but they were acting girly taknak makan jauh-jauh.
Then should've been out with Daus for his belated birthday lunch but he did not reply my text. Heh.

****
Oh, banyak kerja. Gotogonowbyebye.

Day 4

Love note: There's nothing more wonderful in the world than the feeling you get from sharing and there's no greater happiness than the warmth you get from loving.

I hate going to the client's. I feel low. Period.

Breakfast: Roti canai with dhal and air masak
Snack: 2 keropok lekor and 1 nescafe
Lunch: Medium set fillet o fish
Dinner: 2 roti goreng cicah dengan chili crab punya kuah kat AC.

Apa jadi: Tak jadi apa-apa pun! Sama jeee! But still aku rasa lemah dan mengantuk je today. Semalam carbs sikit kot.

****
Tomorrow is Valentine's.
Ah to hell with it!

I am going to go jogging with my brothers, do my braces moulding, go Help to register CIMA, lunch with Sapek, John, Hola, Angah and Dila, then dinner with the family. And futsal 9-10pm.

Sunday ada lunch with Dause and plan to watch movie with the brothers.

So yeah, I am not thaaaat alone kot. I just miss him, a lot.

Another 96 days to go.

Day 3

Love note: My true love hath my heart, and I have his - Sir Philip Sidney

We talked for about 20 mins yesterday. Nak gaduh pun tak jadi because the time is too precious for us. Then malam kitaorang text each other, sampai aku tertidur with the phone in my hand. Heh.

3am I woke up to use the toilet and masa naik katil aku tengok baju dia dah hilang. Risau, I searched the entire room to find the shirt bawah bantal. Hugged the tee and fell back to sleep.

This morning I decided that I want to smell of him and so I sprayed his perfume a bit on my wrist.
Angaulah saya ni! Heh.

****
Semalam aku makan nasi bertambah. 2 kali je lah kan. Because I decided that I want to start diet today. I will give it a 1 week shot so we'll see how it goes ok.

Breakfast; Roti canai with dhal and air kosong.
Snack: 5 keropok lekor and air kosong
Lunch: The adik bought fillet o fish from mikeyD for me but Hemi called telling me that dia dengan Hola on the way to Subang Jaya and so I gave the burger to my collegue and went out to lunch with them. Had mocha pearl tea and gado-gado at Ayam Penyet. (Gado-gado is salads, eggs, keropok, binjai with kuah kacang dressing)
Dinner: Ceaser's salad with iced coffee. I love the ceaser's salad at AC, tp this time dia tak letak cruttons, tak sedap sangat ok.

Outcome: I lost 1kg today. Yeay.

****
Oh by the way.
In the midst of planning to buy a business. A restaurant somewhere at Sunway to be precise. The whole business, lock & barrell would costs rm25k.
Negotiations pending with several interested investors (ceh konon investors padahal nak pinjam duit parents.) and perhaps, perhaps it will happen.
Hopefully this year would be MY year, OUR year as I am tired of going through the whole work routine day by day.

****
An appoinment with the dentist this Saturday to do my braces moulding. Will start going to the gym rigorously next week.
Will try to fill up my days with many beneficial things.

p/s: I still miss him.

Day 2

Love note: Real love is patience and compassion, compromise and healing. It is forgiving..and forgiving and forgiving.

Rihanna's show will be delayed to a later date because allegedly, she had a big fight with her boyfie, who hit her real bad. Heh. Even Hollywood pun ada domestic assault ke?

Jason Mraz will be coming soon too. I may may go because I am mighty interested. If everything's well I will surely be going.

And Sunburst. Hm they've announced the official line-up the other day but only one international act was announced (other than then Indo's) which is N.E.R.D. I mean, yes I really really love Pharell but just ONE ACT for a bloody RM143? And I thought Coldplay, Prodigy would be coming (They put Coldplay under TBC - to be confirmed) So maybe TAG and Estrella would be performing but I can always go to Zouk to hear them spin and go for fly fm campur chart gigs for Estrella. Hm. Perhaps its just their marketing ploy. You think?

****
Shit, I may have to do my first OT. Lots of unfinished work today.
And here I am with this mild headache - hopefully it does not turn into migraine, missing the boyfriend who only texted me once today.

Will continue later aight.

p/s: I miss him so much.

Day 1

Love note: Even when we're far apart, you're always in my heart.

Today marks the first day he left for Singapore and will be gone for 3 months, hence the title.

The love note is the note I pull out from this jar of 100 notes he gave me. He asked me to promise to only pull out not more than one a day. And incidentally, that was the word that were written on the note, today.

****

I miss him already. Really bad. I put his perfume-sprayed shirt on my body every time I lay on the bed as if I was actually hugging him and the scent of him brings flutters to my heart and made me smile.

And when I really really miss him, I play this video of him just smiling while driving the car, with me laughing at the back. It was happiness.

And when I randomly think of him, I kiss this pendant I am wearing, knowing he's wearing the same thing would make me feel closer to him.

I know, first day and I miss him that much already.

How can I survive 100 days?

****
Anyway, sent him at KL central just now and I met his mom and sis.
Mm. I wanted to hug him badly but since they were there so malu a bit lah.
So I teman-ed him for his fag outside and we hugged cover-cover beside his mum.

It was so sweet.

p/s: Air mata aku dah bergenang okay.
p/s: I am celebrating my 1st valentine's with him this year, on my own.