hatred love

Dear diary,

Today, or the past few weeks, I felt so lonely. Not alone but definitely lonely. At times I feel like running away, leave everything behind and start afresh in somewhere new where nobody would know me. At times I feel like I would want to break down, in the midst of everything, I would suddenly feel like I want to cry my hearts out but I just can’t because I am not that kind of person that show my inabilities, inabilities to remain calm and strong. At times I even feel suicidal, drink some toxic infused poison and lay in my bed with the air-con full blast and wait to die.

I know I have my family, my friends and the boyfriend but I feel like could not tell them with what I am currently feeling because I know they can’t relate to whatever shit I feel.
I know I have my God, but whenever I talk to him, I feel like I am not talking to him, if you know what I mean.

Here I am, in a place so familiar that I am starting to despise it. With the friends I love and see everyday that I am now finding it hard to talk to them let alone look them in the eyes and tell them that everything is okay, when things are not. When they ask how I felt, I would just smile and tell them that I am hanging on okay, when in fact; I wish they would ask me the second time so that I myself would be convinced with what I answered.

How I wish there are delete buttons – so that I could delete whatever memories I don’t want and need in my life, or undo application – so that I could re-do things that I regretted, or copy and paste application in this life.

But to conclude this, I am lonely. Just pure lonely.