Thursday, December 3, 2009
Here's the schedule haha:
12pm - pick him up at the airport
- check him in to the hotel
3pm - singgah Sambal sambal
6pm - ciao to have dinner
10pm - balik rumah
10am - bangun
11am - siap go Razak's wedding at Shah Alam
2pm - go Rasta & Hartamas for the flea market with Hola Bola and le fiancee
(no plans in between)
8pm - dinner at HRC
11pm - lepak with le fiancee and friends
10am - bangun
12pm - go to another wedding at Tabung Haji KJ
2pm - hantar le fiancee to his family's house
ok dah set dah.
can't wait for tomorrow!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
We actually canoed from an island to another island. I couldn't bear to be in the canoe any longer because I was tired and it was scorching hot I basically jumped out from the canoe from like 100 metres away from the shore! It was super tiring but it was the ultimate fun.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Oh my God I am so sleepy. I want to sleep but there's still so many things to study.
And oh, I am on the laptop because all the past years answers are in here and I need to take a 5 min break coz I am just too sleepy.
There's still variances, ratios, formulas, to learn and serap dalam otak. And I know, I know study last minute tak bagus, but this time around, I studied early like 1.5 months ago pun still tak ok lagi. Gosh.
Please please make it easy for tomorrow ok.
And hm, fiancee is still not home. And this time I am mad at him. Serious.
He better make it up good.
I think I wanna have a shower before I resume my studies.
Monday, November 23, 2009
I wrote mostly about my breakup with that fucking guy (banyak gila pulak tu! haha), studies and how I sucked at it, my relationship with friends etc. And suffice to say, I wrote it very nicely, unlike sekarang, main tuuuuulis je. haha.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Tapi tawakal je lah. Dah kerja dia macam tu.
I can't wait for him to be home.
Geram rasa nak picit hidung dia lama-lama!
Banyak benda nak buat ok. Geram gilaaaa!
Ok dah, nak belajar.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
There's just so many things to do, yet so little time. And it does not help that I have this stupid stupid procrastinate attitude in me. I need to change. I just have to.
I feel so weak. This is not me. I bounce back everytime I am down but this time I feel like I just want to curl down there. I need to bounce back. Gah.
God, please give me the strength to survive each and every day here.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Please give me the strength to live each day of my life. Please give me guidance to show me which road I should take, and please be there along every step of the way.
I know I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but it's only because I've been lost for the longest time... and I've never truly been found.
Everyday I want so much to be able to find the meaning of everything, and to understand the one true reason to why I'm standing here. I want so much to understand every layer of how I've come to become who I am, and to finally feel contention within myself.
I know I've hurt many along the way, but it's only because I've been hurt too many times myself. There are many situations that I fail to grasp, and sometimes I stumble and selfishly hurt the people that don't deserve it.
Right now it feels like I'm failing again, and I need so much for a hand to hold, to prop me up along the way. Yet I know that people come and go and ultimately, we arrive and we leave this world alone. You've given me amazing people that have accompanied me throughout the journey, but you've also taken them away from me when I wasn't ready to let them go.
I've tried to hold on to a special few but even they seem to be falling from my grasp lately. I guess it's true what they say... the tighter you hold, the easier things shatter and break, and everything seems to be breaking right now, and I'm hurting myself in picking up the pieces.I'm not content where I am, yet I'm not sure where I really want to be.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Please God, let him be safe. Please.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
I need to revise the cafe's menu. I need to study (Exam is on 24th Nov; for both paper!). I need to revise the cafe's financial structure. I need to pay my car. I need to pay the credit card's bill. I need to pay the cafe's water utility bills. I need to study study study!
Argh, mati ok macam ni!
Oh lovelies, Selamat Hari Raya. And sorry la kena block block ni. Mumzy dah jumpa this blog, AGAIN. Heh.
I miss my fiancee.
Oh and baby, Happy 24th birthday!
Will update something proper on my wishlist. :Dr
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
There's so much to write but I often leave my laptop at Sambal2 jadi as the days went by, dah lupa dah apa nak tulis.
Met Sue and Zam just now and hilang kejap duka lara. Heh.
Fuck lah. I hate waking up tomorrow ok. Please, tidur je boleh tak sampai 3 bulan? Grr.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Tak sedih ke? Sedih sangat-sangat. I can't imagine not having him around, not yet. But the glimpse of thoughts of not having him around is excruciating. Alone pergi pasar, alone at the shop, alone watching movie, alone having dinner, alone running errands. sigh.
Its not like I am not used to not having him around. He went away for work for 3 months last 3 months but this time its different because the last time, I've got few bodyguards (our mutual friends) to take care of me, accompany me, look out for me, but since the whole dramamama unfold, we kind of broke apart.
This time I am definitely alone.
Oh, back to the point that the friend cried and I did not. Does that show that I am a strong girl, or am I feelingless?
Ah, esok je lah nangis. Heh.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Hantaran - hampir siap. On my side semua dah ada except songkok, kemeja, fruits, sirih junjung. The Johorians, we usually do the decorations on our own and not use the service of wedding planners and all, jadi all my aunts would arrive from Johor on Friday. Yeay. And I need to get fresh flowers before they reach here.
Food - Banyak sangat kepala ok on this one. Mak Uda kejap nak buat nasi minyak, Mak Cu kejap kata laksa johor, roti jala etc, mumzy kejap cakap lauk-lauk melayu. Headache okay! Up until now, no definite decision lagi!
Canopy - Belum book lagi. Heh. Mumzy tanya I dah book ke belum I said 'DAH'. :D
Guestlist - Main ajak je semua orang yang dah tahu. Heh.
Baju - Dah siap! And its kinda cheap. RM135 je tailoring dia.
The Guy - Excited tak habis-habis. Sikit-sikit panggil I 'bakal tunang'. Hehe.
At this point, with the rentals kedai tak bayar lagi, with plenty lagi monetary problems, I am happy. Yeay.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Too much sorry was said from my side but I just wish, for once that all the other parties that were involved in this stupid messy feud would just say their sorry as well because seriously, not one party are not at fault.
From now onwards, I would just go ahead with my life with what I have with my head up high, with or without them. At least I now know whom I should trust and who would lend their shoulders for me to cry on. And to the guys that were there for me, I am eternally grateful.
And to the others who were involved, this would be my last sorry because at the rate you guys are making me suffer, I am the one who should be mad by now.
We’ve had our great times and that I would forever cherish. I would one day tell my kids how fun and exciting my friends were. But ah, all fun will have to end eventually.
And fingers crossed, maybe, one day, just one day we will be together again, and honestly, as mad/pissed off/guilty as I am right now, I wouldn’t want to lose them. Not this way.
As cliché as it may sound, no one is perfect.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Pukul 5 pagi saya dah kena bangun ke pasar ditemani encik bf. Bukanlah tiap-tiap hari tapi hal-hal stok semuanya mostly saya yang settlekan. (Bukan sebab saya tak percaya ex-manager pegang duit, tapi sebab saya taknak susahkan dia sebab tugas utama dia adalah untuk memastikan the cafe runs smoothly.) Biasanya by 8 saya akan sampai di kedai. (Okay fine, kalau beli kat Tesco, by 10am baru saya sampai.) Dah tak cukup tidur, saya biasanya akan pulang ke rumah untuk tidur dan biasanya saya sampai kembali ke kedai dalam pukul 1-2. I don't see any issues here sebab saya upah/bayar/hire a manager to jaga the operations of the kedai. Tapi bila saya sampai je kedai, mesti saya diberi cold shoulder/muka penat/muka marah sebab saya tinggalkan dia yang kononnya berseorangan menjaga kedai itu. Quote: I feel as if I am running the shop on my own. Saya upah/bayar/hire 5 orang pekerja untuk awak, your convenient and rasanya tak cukup ke?
Kesian, sebab saya pun faham kepenatan menjadi waiter/PR/jaga cashier, saya pun dengan mak saya, encik bf dan seorang lagi kawan came up with an idea to menyenangkan lagi hidup ex-manager saya. Saya bagi dia kerja from 8am to 5pm. Standard lah, kerja pejabat pun sama waktu macam tu. Tapi ex-manager salah faham dan ingat saya tak appreciate apa dia buat. Dia jaja cerita kat kawan yang lain with Quote: Encik bf suka interfere hal-hal kedai. Kesian encik bf yang setia teman saya pergi pasar, sanggup menghabiskan berbelas ribu untuk keep the shop alive dan sanggup meminjamkan duit just so I could pay all the salaries. Tu dinamakan interfere ke, bila dia cuma nak menolong? Tak pernah encik bf sibuk hal-hal membabitkan management. Pelik macam mana cerita ni boleh timbul.
Lagi saya bengang bila dia rasa konon macam dia seorang yang handle kedai tu. Jadi apa saya buat pergi beli stok? Beli kondom? Apa saya buat datang kedai ganti shift dia? Quote: membiak?
Saya hilang selalu pun ada dia tahu saya ke mana? Saya ke hulu ke hilir siapkan hal-hal loan, hal-hal grant. Ingat senang ke? Kumpul semua quotation yang perlu dicari, yang kononnya ex-manager sendiri mahu buat. Tu pun kadang-kadang je saya curi masa lunch/movie dengan encik bf sebab tolonglah faham, dah 3 bulan saya tak jumpa dan spend time dengan encik bf. Nak settlekan hal barang-barang bertunang lagi. Memang saya teramat busy. Bukannya saya membiak seperti apa yang dia canangkan ke orang lain. Tapi saya tak pernah miss untuk gantikan shift dia (memanglah ada terlambat sikit kadang-kadang).
Saya ada salah faham dengan seorang kawan yang dari awal menolong. Memang salah saya, I know. Tapi ex-manager boleh cakap dekat partner saya yang semua kawan-kawan dah tak datang ke kedai sebab saya. Pelik, saya masih ada kawan-kawan Shah Alam saya yang know me since I was 13 and they still come by to the shop. (Oh, kecuali seorang kawan yang malas nak datang kerana bengang dengan ex-manager. Heh.) Jadi semalam encik bf dengan baik hatinya berniat nak clear the air pergi berjumpa dengan kawan-kawan yang dari awal menolong tu. Semuanya okay je? (Kecuali seorang je lah- tu pun sebab saya ada selisih faham dengan dia.) Jadi saya tambah pelik kenapa ex-manager nak burukkan saya teruk sangat kat partner/best friend saya sendiri? Tolonglah, that girl knew me since I was 15. She stood by me when everyone gave me shit and you think your 10 liner shits would drive her away from me?
Memanglah mak partner saya kurang gemar ex-manager kami tu. Bukan tak suka as a person pun, cuma dia rasa that the ex-manager could've performed better. Tu yang mak partner saya nak from him, to challenge him so that he could raise to that challenge. Tapi dia salah faham, merajuk konon tak di appreciate, marah konon semua yang dibuat tak nampak di mata. Padahal, dia tak pernah nampak ke segala salah silap dia semua kena balik kat saya. Penat saya terpaksa menjawab, backing ex-manager ni atas setiap yang dicakapkan. Tu saya tak kisah pun, sebab seteruk-teruk pun, dia banyak membantu, jadi saya backing kan aje. Cuma yang saya bengangkan, dia jaja cerita lagi ke kawan-kawan lain yang dia dari awal lagi menolong-tolong cat, tolong kemas, tolong panggil kontraktor, tolong jaga kedai tapi tidak dihargai langsung. Tapi ada dia cerita yang belum kedai mula beroperasi lagi dia dah diberi gaji atas semua kerja-kerja tu? Siap ada allowance minyak dan tol ok. Jadi kawan-kawan pun rasa saya ni tak reti appreciate ex-manager tu.
Saya ke Perhentian. Dah line kat sana macam palat. Saya memang tercut-out of the real world. Saya betul-betul percayakan ex-manager saya tu walaupun setiap hari mesej bertanyakan hal kedai tak dibalas. Belum balik dari Perhentian saya dikejutkan dengan rage of mak partner saya. Terkejut dengan judgement yang dibuat ex-manager. Saya telan semua kata-kata mak partner saya. All I could say at that time was 'I would look to the bottom of it.' Saya masih backing ex-manager sebab I know, even if his judgement was wrong that time, he did it for the sake of the business and he meant well. Jadi saya masih bersikap seperti seorang kawan/boss yang understanding.
End of case.
Jadi tell me, apa sangat yang saya buat kat dia sampai menjaja cerita bukan-bukan kat partner/bestfriend saya? Menjaja hal buruk pasal saya dengan encik bf kat kawan-kawan lain? Walaupun at times, saya rasa macam kepala saya dipijak-pijak oleh someone yang saya bayar gaji, saya biarkan je dan telan je sebab saya hormat dia sebagai kawan. Walaupun at times, saya rasa saya makan hati dengan perangai 'kadang-kadang ok, kadang-kadang emo' ex-manager, saya biarkan aje, sebab saya tahu dia memang banyak issues with himself.
Saya tahu saya bukannya baik pun. Masih ada banyak kelemahan yang perlu saya perbaiki. Tapi tolonglah, stop all this nonsence and please lah stop all the talkings. You think it won't come back to haunt you?
And satu lagi yang saya pelik, at our age, ada lagi benda-benda macam high school drama macam ni. Come on lah, be a man and confront if ada problems. Its better then cakap-cakap belakang like pussies.
Saya minta maaf banyak-banyak sebab saya ni pussy jadi saya mungkin tercerita kat orang mungkin benda yang humiliate you. Tu saya mengaku salah saya. Tapi saya rasa mungkin saya taknak kecilkan hati awak sebab awak sentiasa ada soft spot dalam hati saya because despite it all, you are a good friend. Jadi saya minta maaf sebab kecilkan hati awak.
Tapi Quote: enough is enough lah. Jadi saya rasa enough is enough lah.
I am really strong when it comes to the matters of heart, but this time, you really broke my heart. You successfully nail it this time.
p/s: Abang-abang lawyers tu still datang je. Budak-budak Alliance tu lepak je kau takde.
There, I said my mind. Finally.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
I am currently at the shop alone, doing some pay slips, accounts stuff etc.
Luckily I brought my laptop along and am currently listening to Lenka.
Will update later lah. Takde masa.
Friday, June 26, 2009
2. Everyone's talking about the passing of MJ. RIP MJ. I'll always love your billy jean, black and white and beat it.
3. I have registered CIMA. So yeay. Finally.
4. I am getting engaged in a month time. Woot.
5. I am so falling in love with Coldplay and Lenka.
6. I don't think I'll be going to this year's Urbanscape but Ili's band would be performing and I think this would be their first major gig after the Laundry's gig last year. So yeah, maybe, just maybe I'll dropby.
7. I need to find a proper stable job. Pronto. But can I manage? With the bis, CIMA and a real job? Heh.
Okay, nak tidur.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
But hey. that is life!
It is not rosy all the way.
You just have to embrace it or live with it thinking that you don't deserve this kind of life and fret about it. Be grumpy, sarcastic, mad at everyone else because you think this is not the life you deserve.
I chose to embrace it. I chose to be happy. Because life is such, and people will never really be grateful, no matter what they have. The only thing for me to do is not aggravate myself, and live my life as it is, with what I have, which when I step back and look at, is more than enough to keep me happy.
So hey, be happy. If not, damn it. Stop blaming everybody else and be a hippie.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
It has been confirmed that the date would be on 1st August.
And the meeting between two parents went well. Alhamdulillah.
Gosh. It really is happening.
And to top it all, my friend, my 1st ever bestfriend called me after 2 years of silence.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
And its not that I am unhappy. I am happy. Maybe.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
After 3 long fucking years (when all my friends only took 2 years), I did not went for my graduation day yesterday, no pictures taken with friends with the mortar board and fucking rob, and no fucking over-priced flowers for me.
After 3 long fucking years. I am done.
And I am not exactly proud of it.
And to make things even cuter, he did not even dare (I think) to put the ring on my fingers, instead I had to ‘try’ it on and it matched perfectly. And suffice to say, I was crazy embarrassed and I don’t know why but perhaps because it was not expected?
So yeah, the proposal may not be as perfect as I imagined it to be when I was 9 years old. And I hate being told by my grandma how Razi proposed Shikin in some fancy hotel with the ring engraved with their name and how there’s a quartet singing their song, but for some reason or for all the reasons that matters, it is just perfect for me. And hey, that is all that matters right?
So yes, his imperfections, our imperfections are the one that made this relationship perfect.
I love you.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
2. Fuck, I am beginning to despise a friend. I hope I could say it right in his face that he is a fucking insensitive moody bastard so that I wouldn't despise him this much! Only I know, when I tell him how he is effecting our relationship, he'll be even more insensitive and moody! The worst thing is, he is not even a close friend and I just go to know him recently. Maderfaker. And oh, a friend told me, when I don't like a person, it shows in my face. Heh.
3. Another close friend just got out from a relationship of 7 years. 7 bloody fucking years. Call her A. Anyway, I asked another friend of mine, B to go and be friends with A in a hope for her to forget about her ex. The thing is, I think they're going a bit too far. I am scared that one of them would get hurt in the process. Gosh. Apahallll la again aku TERjadi matchmaker?!
4. I am missing a very close friend. Someone that used to be there when the boyfriend was away. Hmm.
5. I hate doing what I am currently doing right now! Babi.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Today, or the past few weeks, I felt so lonely. Not alone but definitely lonely. At times I feel like running away, leave everything behind and start afresh in somewhere new where nobody would know me. At times I feel like I would want to break down, in the midst of everything, I would suddenly feel like I want to cry my hearts out but I just can’t because I am not that kind of person that show my inabilities, inabilities to remain calm and strong. At times I even feel suicidal, drink some toxic infused poison and lay in my bed with the air-con full blast and wait to die.
I know I have my family, my friends and the boyfriend but I feel like could not tell them with what I am currently feeling because I know they can’t relate to whatever shit I feel.
I know I have my God, but whenever I talk to him, I feel like I am not talking to him, if you know what I mean.
Here I am, in a place so familiar that I am starting to despise it. With the friends I love and see everyday that I am now finding it hard to talk to them let alone look them in the eyes and tell them that everything is okay, when things are not. When they ask how I felt, I would just smile and tell them that I am hanging on okay, when in fact; I wish they would ask me the second time so that I myself would be convinced with what I answered.
How I wish there are delete buttons – so that I could delete whatever memories I don’t want and need in my life, or undo application – so that I could re-do things that I regretted, or copy and paste application in this life.
But to conclude this, I am lonely. Just pure lonely.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
I can't wait to start planning mm you know what lah. (I don't wanna jinx it.)
I miss him like gila okay. I got to talk to him for only 2 days and there he goes again. He would be uncontactable for 7 freaking days.
I am glad we're still as strong as ever.
My uncle went for a bypass the other day, and it freaked me out knowing my own uncle, someone I last met 2 months ago is still in the ICU after the surgery. I looked at my dad's wrinkly face and smile, feeling blessed because he is still infront of me, healthy, just healthy and happy.
The other he called me and ask me whether I would be home in time for dinner since my brother just got back from JB and he wants us to have dinner together. I ask them to go on without me because I don't want them to wait, just in case. But infront of Concorde I called him and luckily all of them are still in the kedai makan and so I joined them.
The minute I sat down, my mum said 'Dah lama tak makan sama-sama kan. I am so happy tonight.' She looked at my dad and nudged him and he said 'Tu lah. Dah lama tak macam ni. Lega tengok semua dah besar. And kaklong tak buat hal.'
Heh. Coming from a man with literally very few words, I smiled. Happy.
Then came questions from me such as 'ayah ada sakit jantung tak, jantung ayah sakit tak, high blood pressure ok tak, kenapa tak makan banyak-banyak, kerja penat tak.' He would usually disregard my questions because he thinks I am annoying that way, but that night he answered it patiently knowing his answers matters to me this time.
I can't imagine losing him. I don't want to imagine losing him. Losing them.
To Arina, I hope ayah ngah gets better soon.
It made me feel good when I paid the workers their salary the other day. But effing shit when I had to borrow some people money and had to hold some of the staffs' salary because I just can't afford to pay them yet.
Lucky we have that 7 day of the month maximum day labour law!
I wanted to buy my mom, my dad and my brother something. But it felt shitty when I hold that money in my hand contemplating on whether to spend it on my family or save it to buy stocks for tomorrow.
InsyaAllah I will prove to them one day that all this hardwork, my hardwork, is all worth it.
Now I am contemplating on staying up till 2am to watch lipstick jungle or to sleep because I have to wake up at 530am tomorrow. Heh.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
2. The cafe is Alhamdulillah going okay. Not that great yet, but for now I guess we're actually doing okay.
3. Went to Bandung with mumzy. Shopped a lot on laces. Mum is super excited when I told her on our flight that I am probably/hopefully getting engaged soon. So she basically borong the entire kedai. Well, that's my mum. She just need a reason to shop.
4. Boyfriend is still uncontactable after 6 days. Gosh, I really miss him.
5. I hate airport. Too much memories. Why did I ever dated aviation people?
6. I went for my first brazillian wax. Too much info? Whatever. And oh, it effing hurts!
7. Went for massage, scrub, milk bath, body mask, sauna that only costs 300,000 rupiah. Equivelant of RM120 in some fancy spa place. Super cheap.
8. I've lost 4kgs so far. Woot. Another 3kgs to go.
9. Oh, had some random checkup last week after I got this awful period pain. Apparently I have multicyst ovary. Mumzy said that I have to get married soon.
10. I actually had fun with mumzy. Seriously.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Please make the time go faster.
I really miss my boyfriend.
Gosh. So many things happening but seriously I have no time to tell yet.
One day. One day.
Love note: Have enough courage to trust love one more time.. one more time.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Boyf usually calls at 12am every night and now that he has gone sailing, its been 3 days since I last heard his voice.
I miss him, a lot.
Kadang-kadang rindu, then marah, then rindu, then bengang, then rindu, then dapat feeling 'I am so going to kill him sebab buat aku macam ni!', then rindu balik. Grr.
2. I was about to write about something. Then I yawned. All of a sudden everything dissapears. Heh.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Don't assume and presume.
That, I hold on to.
Oh shiznit, it's happening again.
I got to know something that I don't want to know.
I introduced my friend to another friend and they got into a relationship. I don't know how the relationship went on because I don't meddle in their affairs but as I see it, its not smooth sailing, maybe a bit stormy. But ah well, no relationships are perfect. Not in the eye of other people.
I got to know that the guy, is hmmm currently wooing another girl. Heh.
To me, if you don't like the girlfriend anymore, tell her straight. If you feel like its not working, break it up. Do not let her feel useless and toy with her emotions. She is not perfect I know, but who is?
And who am I to be dissapointed if it doesn't work out with you guys. I am just a friend.
Just a friend.
So yeah, decide and do not be so indecisive.
Karma works in a very discreet way.
So tell me, as a friend, should I tell her, tell him or just shut it?
But she'll be dissapointed if she know I knew.
But ah well, I still believe that relationships between a couple are beyond the control of friends.
Random. I know.
30 days and the boyfriend will be back.
I miss him like crazehhh.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Come on, we are not 21 anymore.
We are not naive anymore.
We know our limits.
We know ourselves best.
We are not living in kampungs for god's sake.
Why oh why must they judge?
And one more thing, if you have problems with me, have the courage to talk to me upfront. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT talk behind my back and tell-tell.
Oh don't worry I am certainly not mad but hmmm what's that word again? Dissapointed. But ah well, I am old enough to handle high school drama.
p/s: If you want things not to be awkward, just don't talk about it with me ok dear. :)
Monday, April 6, 2009
I don't know what I feel right now. Its like I am in an unknown and unfamilliar teritory and its killing me, but excites me as well to know what the outcome will be at the end of the day.
Too much surrounding me, I don't even know which story to be written.
I think I am ready to go to sleep, after I clean my room.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Hm, aku rasa aku belajar sedikit sebanyak about myself. I am a flexible person, maybe a tad too flexible. I listen to my friend's opinion and unlike some people, I want to treat my workers like my friends and not be so business-like sebab aku rasa takde guna pun nak konon-konon tegas dengan orang yang kita perlukan. Betul tak? TAPI aku juga perasan, aku cepat menggelabah in handling things. That, I have to learn to control.
Semua masih dalam budget, masih dalam time frame yang masih tak mengoyahkan. Alhamdulillah.
InsyaAllah everything is going to be okay.
And I miss my boyfriend sangat-sangat.
Only 50 days to go. :)
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Aku pelik. Sangat random dia mesej aku. Senafas lepas tu baru aku teringat, adik aku yang seorang tu kat rumah Razi, anak kepada sepupu mak aku, bekas teman lelaki aku.
3 tahun lepas, aku still ingat macam mana susahnya hidup dia. RM10 dalam poket pun kadang-kadang takde. Tapi aku tolong dia, belikan dia makanan, hulurkan dulu dia duit untuk digunakan harian. Banyak lagi peristiwa major yang memberi impak dalam hidup aku. Dari dia aku belajar erti simpati dan empati. Tapi dari dia juga aku belajar erti lies, deceits dan bullshits.
Awal perkenalan aku dah terpedaya dengan lending him a large amount of money for the sake of his job. He basically took a deposit a customer paid tapi unfortunately, the customer tak jadi nak purchase the car and for him to cover, I helped him to pay it first. Kalau tak, mesti dah dalam jail kot. How naive I was huh. Sampai sekarang, aku tak pernah nampak duit tu lagi.
Tengah hubungan, kereta dia ditarik sebab tak bayar 3 bulan. Sebab simpati yang amat dalam, aku dulukan duit aku untuk bayarkan 3 months + denda ke pihak bank. In the end? Heh. You go figure it out.
Terakhir sekali, aku ke rumahnya sebab dah hampir 2 minggu tak jumpa dan rupanya ada perempuan lain dalam rumah itu. Patutlah masa tu dia tak kisah pun tak jumpa dengan aku.
Dia cuba pujuk aku balik, tapi masa tu aku dah nekad. Nekad untuk keluar dari relationship tu.
Aku cuba mintak duit aku balik, pelbagai-bagai cara. Tapi satu tahap tu with him, aku sedar aku rather lose the money than having to listen to his shits ever again.
Aku tak tahu kenapa aku boleh jatuh hati dengan sikap panas baran, bongkak, boastful dan suka pandang rendah kat orang macam tu. Entahlah, I still don't have the answer right now.
All I know is I am grateful that the woman he's marrying right now is not me. A bit envious because I don't think he deserves whatever shit he's deserving right now but mostly grateful because its not me.
I can't imagine how that woman can stay with him.
Mumzy keluar masuk bilik to make sure I was ok. She asked me apa aku rasa, give remarks like 'mamatok cakap, grand wedding dia', 'sedih tak?' and all. Mahu je aku jerit, aku tak rasa sedih pun. Not a hint of sedih, so don't worry.
Oh and unless you pay me back my money, I hope you guys tak dapat anak! And yes, I have that much vengence in me against him.
So cheers, to Razi & Shikin. Selamat pengantin baru.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Semua macam tak kena. Pukimak. Aku geram.
Kerja aside, I am mighty frustrated with everything!
I wish he was here so I could curl up on his chest and hear him telling me that everything's gonna be okay. Even when it's not. :(
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
I suddenly miss November, December and January. No work, no school, no commitments, no nothing. I could wake up at 12pm with no severe consequences - except for my mom pokpeks and I could hangout and sneak out just to have lok lok with the boyfriend without worrying the risk of kena marah like hell if I come home late.
Now its all routine. I'll wake up at 630am for subuh prayer, then sleep again after that to be kejut again at 815am for work. Sampai kerja, swap in, tengok emails, go for breakfast either at Darus, Majeed or mickeyD or just stay inside and fiddle with the computer until rasa macam kena buat kerja. Then lunch hour I will tend to persuade friends nearby to teman me lunch and then by 6pm I would get ready to go home (I am a contract worker so there's no allotment for any OT for me, hence the balik at 6pm dot!) Balik rumah, shower, help mumzy with some house chores, maghrib jemaah and then dinner, watch tv or read the newspaper and by 1030pm I will be in my room waiting for boyfriend's call which would usually last until 12pm.
Then it's all the same thing all over again the next day.
So honestly, whatever crap they tell us when we were in high school or uni, is just bullshit. They say we would be happy with our hard earned money, dapat freedom to enjoy with friends since we're not in school anymore, jumpa jodoh dekat kerja are just total BS! So kids, friends, cousins, please stay in school as long as you can ok and even if you have left school, try and be your own boss. You would be happier that way.
I will be heading to Bandung this 22nd with mumzy. Initially, it was supposed to be me and Sue's yearly getaway but since she went to London, her ticket had to be forgone. Its not transferable (only the dates), jadi mumzy lah jadi mangsa. So yeay, I don't have to fork out money for hotel and transportation. Bawak duit shopping and duit spa jelah. Oh that reminds me, I need to treat my mom for spa jugak kat sana.
I am going to do a different kind of shopping this time around. Am not gonna tell why because I am afraid I might jinx it, but yeah. Yeay.
Oh, the client's here. Lets get back to faking smile. Heh.
p/s: cousin, hush hush about this thing please. I don't need unwanted attention anymore and I don't want to be judged by them relatives. You know how they are. You're the best! Thanks hugs. Love you.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Jadi hari ni aku cranky, cepat letih, cepat marah dan tak ada mood. Heh.
Mumzy is outside frying things for our tempura feast thingy tonight. The uncles and aunties are coming over later. I am in no mood to mingle, seriously.
Oh did I mentioned I went to Jason Mraz? He was one hella entertainer! Ah, no words to elaborate. Seriously, I am out of words nowadays.
I am only left with RM200 to last until the end of March.
And this nose, is like a running pipe.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Discover true friend. Met the love. Fatigue, satisfied, thankful.
See u in 60 days, love!
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Dah 3 malam saya teringin nak makan makanan sedap-sedap tapi tak boleh.
Dah 3 malam saya kena gigit makanan guna gigi geraham.
Dah 3 malam mulut saya sengal-sengal dan hari ni dah ada ulser pulak.
Dah 3 malam saya tidur nganga mulut (amat buruk rupanya!)
Nasihat dari seorang yang dah rasa kepada yang tak rasa; jangan pakai pendakap gigi okay!!!!
Or even if you're jongang nak mams, tolong makan ketam, udang, pizza, epal etc (makanan yang kena guna gigi depan) before pakai braces!
Honestly, aku menyesal.
And I have to live with it for 1.5 years.
Hopefully in the end its all worth it.
*Take note please, saya pakai sebab mengada je nak pakai. Bukan sebab gigi saya berterabur or saya ada gigi arnab macam bugs bunny. Thank you.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Love note day 9: When we find someone who is brave, fun and loving, we have to thank the universe.
Love note day 10: When you love someone, you don't take anything for granted. You remember every smile, every kiss and every I love you.
Love note date 11: To love means to communicate to the other that ou are all for him, that you will never fail him or let him down when he needs you, but that you will always be standing by..
Love note day 12: It is a good thing to be rich and to be strong, but it is better to be loved - Euripides
Love note day 13: Just take my hand and rest your heart and stay awhile with me - Ashley Rice
Love note day 14: Not only do I want to spend today with you, my love, but tomorrow, the day after, and the very last day I'm given.
Love note day 15: Whoever lives true life, will love true love - Elizabeth Barret Browning
Love note day 16: Love isn't love till you give it away - Sounds of music
Love note day 17: Love is something eternal - the aspect may change, but not the essence - Vincent Van Gogh
Sunday, March 1, 2009
I miss my carefree days, where I don't have to wake up every morning having to go to work, a work I dislike. Where I can spend the money given without feeling guilty. Where I can just do anything without feeling the consequences, knowing that I could fall back to my parents.
I miss my friends, when we would just walk around aimlessly just because we could. Where I can just hang around with them a little more longer talking craps and have a good laugh.
I miss the days when I was in school, so eager to learn new things - well, sort of. Sitting next to my bestfriend and gossip all morning about the boys, about the teachers and about our ambitions.
Now its just mundane, routine.
Perhaps that's how life goes.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Random nak mampus.
Sekarang tangan bau busuk sebab makan pakai tangan tadi. Gah.
Oh, saya dah beli Revolutionary Road sebab nak tengok Kate Winslet bogel, yes man sebab I think I need that little dose of laughter and Slumdog Millionaire sebab semua orang kata best.
Malam ni mahu menonton.
Mm. Fak saya rindu boyfriend okay.
Last 2 days I went out with my jiran and when he tersentuh my hands, I startled as in 'wow, lamanya takde physical contact with any guys' tapi then I felt guilty nak mampus sebab I felt that way. Haish.
I don't like LDR! Damnit.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
I don't know how to express how I feel at this moment. Its all mixed up.
I miss him very much, and we talk almost everyday but his touch, his smile has somehow faded in my mind. I feel like I am losing him, in a way and honestly I am scared.
And then there's this juggling everything by myself feeling. With this stupid job I don't seem to like because its just to hectic and PR-esque and honestly I don't like to deal with people, go to the boardroom and present and end up with some measly pay which I don't think is worth it. With the 2 classes that I have to go every Monday and Friday after work (my class starts at 630 and ends at 930 and I work from 9-6.). With this registration of enterprise, trading license thingy, deco, find cook, find workers thingy that I have to manage on my own (and some friends). With the application of loan for my own 1st car. Gosh, I wake up everyday thinking that I should not have burdened myself with this kinda trouble but well, that's life and hopefully I could cope with it. I just wish he was here to help me go through all this. I wake up everyday hoping to have that extra 5 minutes sleep.
Aku tak sampai hati nak cakap kat dia yang aku letih sangat to talk to him for an hour every night before aku tidur. But honestly, I need that extra hour to sleep and to the people yang kenal aku, sleep to me is precious.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Orang selalu tanya kenapa aku ramai kawan lelaki. Kenapa diaorang lagi nampak aku ramai kawan lelaki dari perempuan. Masa tu, seriously aku takde jawapan. Aku akan senyum dan berkata 'mungkin sebab diaorang buat aku comfy'. Period.
Memang pun aku ada ramaaaai kawan lelaki. Seniors aku dari sekolah Projek, kawan-kawan form 2 aku dari sekolah 9, kawan-kawan camping pengakap aku, kawan-kawan dari uitm aku dan even aku boleh make friends dengan kawan-kawan kepada kawan aku. Perempuan pulak, aku hanya rapat dengan seorang dari Convent, seorang dari Projek, seorang dari 9 dan seorang dari uni.
Sebenarnya, sebab perempuan ni mulut jahat - asyik nak mengumpat je pasal orang, nak bergossip dan if mereka dah mula gossip, dari 100 fakta, mungkin hanya 10 je yang betul sebab perempuan ni suka bercerita macam mereka paling baik, paling mulia, paling setia kawan. Jadi sebab tu aku lagi suka kawan dengan lelaki. Diaorang memang banyak mulut, ada jugak kutuk-kutuk tapi semangat setiakawan mereka lebih tinggi dari perempuan jadi mereka takkan menjatuhkan kawan mereka sendiri. Lagipun lepak dengan lelaki sangat ceria, takde cerita pasal make up apa yang terbaru, handbag apa yang paling lawa, lelaki mana lagi handsome.
Sebab lagi satu ialah perempuan ni panas bontot untuk tengok perempuan lain senang. Semangat competitiveness yang entah apa-apa sangat tinggi. Kalau orang tu dirasakan lebih dari dirinya dalam sebarang segi, dia mesti akan rasa tak puas hati. Macam ada kekurangan pada dirinya, hence dia ambil keputusan untuk memuaskan the feeling by either bitching about perempuan lain ataupun cuba mengatasi kelebihan perempuan tu. Katakan perempuan A beli handbag baru, minggu depan mesti kawan dia pun beli handbag either sama tapi warna lain atau sama range tapi mahal sikit. Confirm.
Lagi, perempuan ni sensitiif tak tentu pasal! Cuba kalau kau kutuk lelaki gemuk. Ada dia kisah? Laugh it off je lah! Perempuan, cuba kau cakap baju dia macam kecik sikit untuk dia yang dah tak sedar gemuk tu. Mesti merengek ataupun mula marah-marah macam baru lepas kita kutuk pulak mak bapak dia!
Tapi paling aku benci ialah sejenis perempuan yang talam 14 muka! Depan kita kawan, friendly, baik, senyum-senyum macam takde apa pun yang berlaku. Tapi belakang kita, kutuk kaw kaw punya sampai membolehkan orang yang mungkin senang makan kata orang macam dia ni percaya. Kalau kau tak puas hati kat aku, tell me in the face. Jangan canangkan satu kampung padahal aku tak tahu apa-apa pun sangat reasons kau buat macam tu. Bagitahu aku apa yang aku dah buat salah kat kau. And please lah, tak payah lah nak pass pass cerita. We are so not in high school anymore, eventhough maybe you did not notice sebab boobs kau tak pernah besar sikit pun sampai sekarang! Hahaha. Bitchy gila aku ni.
To me, aku selalu pegang pada prinsip 'A friend, they never break up'. Sejahat mana seorang tu, semulia mana dia tu, kita akan terima each other sepatutnya sebab that's what friends are for. Tapi perempuan sial macam ni, aku tak kisah hilang as a friend. Hah!
There I said it all!
Pegi mati ok. Dahlah boyfriend rempit nak mampus.
*Maaf, ni post geram.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Entry sangat rambang.
This year, I have got a lot of plans to execute. I mean to really really execute.
1. To finish at least 2 CIMA papers. Heh. I am taking 3 papers so by the end of the year, I expect to finish at least 2. Do-able? InsyaAllah.
2. To have an asset, under my own name. Most probably a car and I intent to pay the installments on my own. (Duhh, aku dah kerja kot, takkan punya ayah nak bayarkan pulak.)
3. Mm I don't want to jinx this but what the hell. I am in the midst of opening up a business with my bestfriend.
The plan is to buy this restaurant/cafe at Sunway and run it. We've already met the owner and went to the place and it is the perfect place to run a restaurant to cater to the office people and college kids there. Will probably pay some deposit before Khaulah balik OZ and will start running it somewhere mid April when she comes back for her break.
However, I have this stupid work contract which I have signed that ends on August so will probably need someone with an F&B background to run it first.
Alhamdulillah mama is willing to invest.
So fingers crossed, this one will work out.
Had some argument with the boyfriend because he's worried that I am getting a tad too close with one of his friend, our friend.
The thing is, this guy is someone I know, before I even know him.
So the question here is, if he trust me enough, wouldn't he be ok with it?
Its not like I am flirting with that guy pun.
And to quote another friend; even if kau cakap kau takkan jatuh hati kat mamat ni, but kau bukan malaikat and aku taknaklah benda dah jadi baru nak aku tegur.
So to make a statement; I love my boyfriend and I care for my friend. Just because you are not comfortable with me being friends with him, doesn't mean that I would end my friendship with him. Friends do not break up, ok? And I know my limits and I am sure he knows it too.
Oh here's a pic my schoolmate tagged in FB.
Gila tomboy ok dulu! Dang!
Gambar 8 years ago ok! Wooooo.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Love note day 6: The supreme happiness of life is the conviction of being loved for yourself, or more correctly, being loved in spite of yourself -Victor Hugo
Love note day 7: Although I have a lamp and fire, stars, moon and sun to give me light, unless I look into your eyes, all is dark night -Bhantrhani
Sorry for not writing in here. I've been busy doing things.
On Saturday, went out for lunch with Dilalala after dah lama tak jumpa and we just lepak catching up and talking about things - I love having serious talks with her. Then met the hommies at some kopitiam and talk talk talk some more. I even bought them cupcakes.
Gave some of them to hommies, some of them to the guyfriends and me and Dilalala finished the rest.
Then on Sunday, went to Bijou with Hola, Dilalala and Hiddie at Soho coz I wanted to shop a bit. (I love love love flea market!) But maderfuker I forgot my atm card punya nombor and I was scared to hit it the 2nd time so I decided that I don't want to risk my card kena telan. Jadi I only bought 2 shirts using Dilalala's money.
Oh, piccies are in Hola's cam.
Oh by the way, I know this sounds lame but Bo Amir Iqram is maderfuker hot! I mean his voice lah kan and the way he holds his guitar. I wish someone could sing like that for me.
Anyway, we saw him before he starts his performance at Wendy's but we just disregard him because he's not exactly cute or whatever but well I recognised him because I once pegi KL tower heineken party and he was spinning with Joey G. (oh, they're a duo - cosmicspacemonkey) and I went to his album launch at Laundry because I accompanied Mikey as Bo tu kawan dia. Thought his music would be like loud, you know, the drum n bass, trance kinda music like the one yang he spins but nooooo, its soo soothing the album itself is titled 'Bedroom Sanctuary'. So yes, jatuh hati. Auw. Go buy it ok!
Have been ffk by a lot of friend lately. Should've been out with the guyfriends last Saturday for Valentshit but they were acting girly taknak makan jauh-jauh.
Then should've been out with Daus for his belated birthday lunch but he did not reply my text. Heh.
Oh, banyak kerja. Gotogonowbyebye.
Friday, February 13, 2009
I hate going to the client's. I feel low. Period.
Breakfast: Roti canai with dhal and air masak
Snack: 2 keropok lekor and 1 nescafe
Lunch: Medium set fillet o fish
Dinner: 2 roti goreng cicah dengan chili crab punya kuah kat AC.
Apa jadi: Tak jadi apa-apa pun! Sama jeee! But still aku rasa lemah dan mengantuk je today. Semalam carbs sikit kot.
Tomorrow is Valentine's.
Ah to hell with it!
I am going to go jogging with my brothers, do my braces moulding, go Help to register CIMA, lunch with Sapek, John, Hola, Angah and Dila, then dinner with the family. And futsal 9-10pm.
Sunday ada lunch with Dause and plan to watch movie with the brothers.
So yeah, I am not thaaaat alone kot. I just miss him, a lot.
Another 96 days to go.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
We talked for about 20 mins yesterday. Nak gaduh pun tak jadi because the time is too precious for us. Then malam kitaorang text each other, sampai aku tertidur with the phone in my hand. Heh.
3am I woke up to use the toilet and masa naik katil aku tengok baju dia dah hilang. Risau, I searched the entire room to find the shirt bawah bantal. Hugged the tee and fell back to sleep.
This morning I decided that I want to smell of him and so I sprayed his perfume a bit on my wrist.
Angaulah saya ni! Heh.
Semalam aku makan nasi bertambah. 2 kali je lah kan. Because I decided that I want to start diet today. I will give it a 1 week shot so we'll see how it goes ok.
Breakfast; Roti canai with dhal and air kosong.
Snack: 5 keropok lekor and air kosong
Lunch: The adik bought fillet o fish from mikeyD for me but Hemi called telling me that dia dengan Hola on the way to Subang Jaya and so I gave the burger to my collegue and went out to lunch with them. Had mocha pearl tea and gado-gado at Ayam Penyet. (Gado-gado is salads, eggs, keropok, binjai with kuah kacang dressing)
Dinner: Ceaser's salad with iced coffee. I love the ceaser's salad at AC, tp this time dia tak letak cruttons, tak sedap sangat ok.
Outcome: I lost 1kg today. Yeay.
Oh by the way.
In the midst of planning to buy a business. A restaurant somewhere at Sunway to be precise. The whole business, lock & barrell would costs rm25k.
Negotiations pending with several interested investors (ceh konon investors padahal nak pinjam duit parents.) and perhaps, perhaps it will happen.
Hopefully this year would be MY year, OUR year as I am tired of going through the whole work routine day by day.
An appoinment with the dentist this Saturday to do my braces moulding. Will start going to the gym rigorously next week.
Will try to fill up my days with many beneficial things.
p/s: I still miss him.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Rihanna's show will be delayed to a later date because allegedly, she had a big fight with her boyfie, who hit her real bad. Heh. Even Hollywood pun ada domestic assault ke?
Jason Mraz will be coming soon too. I may may go because I am mighty interested. If everything's well I will surely be going.
And Sunburst. Hm they've announced the official line-up the other day but only one international act was announced (other than then Indo's) which is N.E.R.D. I mean, yes I really really love Pharell but just ONE ACT for a bloody RM143? And I thought Coldplay, Prodigy would be coming (They put Coldplay under TBC - to be confirmed) So maybe TAG and Estrella would be performing but I can always go to Zouk to hear them spin and go for fly fm campur chart gigs for Estrella. Hm. Perhaps its just their marketing ploy. You think?
Shit, I may have to do my first OT. Lots of unfinished work today.
And here I am with this mild headache - hopefully it does not turn into migraine, missing the boyfriend who only texted me once today.
Will continue later aight.
p/s: I miss him so much.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Today marks the first day he left for Singapore and will be gone for 3 months, hence the title.
The love note is the note I pull out from this jar of 100 notes he gave me. He asked me to promise to only pull out not more than one a day. And incidentally, that was the word that were written on the note, today.
I miss him already. Really bad. I put his perfume-sprayed shirt on my body every time I lay on the bed as if I was actually hugging him and the scent of him brings flutters to my heart and made me smile.
And when I really really miss him, I play this video of him just smiling while driving the car, with me laughing at the back. It was happiness.
And when I randomly think of him, I kiss this pendant I am wearing, knowing he's wearing the same thing would make me feel closer to him.
I know, first day and I miss him that much already.
How can I survive 100 days?
Anyway, sent him at KL central just now and I met his mom and sis.
Mm. I wanted to hug him badly but since they were there so malu a bit lah.
So I teman-ed him for his fag outside and we hugged cover-cover beside his mum.
It was so sweet.
p/s: Air mata aku dah bergenang okay.
p/s: I am celebrating my 1st valentine's with him this year, on my own.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
In 2 days I will be in my first and hopefully last LDR and it makes me nervous. There are like so many 'what & how ifs' in my mind that I don't seem to have any answers to. How would it be not talking to him for few days straight when you talk for hours every night? How would it be if he's not there when you get into trouble? What if you go on a date with another guy, is that considered cheating? What if you're asleep when he calls you? The list could go on endlessly but the ultimate question is, what if either one of us has a change of heart?
So to me this thing right here is like faith. If you believe in it, then believe in it and do not be easily swayed by other influences that might ruin the relationship. In the end, like faith, it will reward you in something unimaginable to the heart. Happiness.
Hence, right now I am trying to be strong, absorbing this moment and thoughts of him so that I would not be diverted into something that could destroy everything. Right now I am trying to understand that life and love would not be exciting if its just straight path all the way. Smell the roses, hear the birds and smell the air because like a walk, love and life is an adventure.
I will always, always try to make this work.
p/s: less than 50 hours before he's going and I think his phone went kapoot because I can't get through him for the past 2 hours! Gah. I miss him, already.