I am exhausted. Am I happy? Maybe. I am not sure.
At first I thought I was but hmm now I am not so sure anymore.
The exhaustion has overcome the excitement.
We'll see how far can I go. We'll see.
Good nite.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
mere update.
Aku penat sangat these few days. Bukannya aku yang mengecat, mengangkat barang, mengemas sangat atau apa-apa tapi aku rasa aku penat otak. Bila otak penat, badan pun akan turut penat. Betul? Your mind controls your body, betul kan?
Hm, aku rasa aku belajar sedikit sebanyak about myself. I am a flexible person, maybe a tad too flexible. I listen to my friend's opinion and unlike some people, I want to treat my workers like my friends and not be so business-like sebab aku rasa takde guna pun nak konon-konon tegas dengan orang yang kita perlukan. Betul tak? TAPI aku juga perasan, aku cepat menggelabah in handling things. That, I have to learn to control.
Semua masih dalam budget, masih dalam time frame yang masih tak mengoyahkan. Alhamdulillah.
InsyaAllah everything is going to be okay.
And I miss my boyfriend sangat-sangat.
Only 50 days to go. :)
Hm, aku rasa aku belajar sedikit sebanyak about myself. I am a flexible person, maybe a tad too flexible. I listen to my friend's opinion and unlike some people, I want to treat my workers like my friends and not be so business-like sebab aku rasa takde guna pun nak konon-konon tegas dengan orang yang kita perlukan. Betul tak? TAPI aku juga perasan, aku cepat menggelabah in handling things. That, I have to learn to control.
Semua masih dalam budget, masih dalam time frame yang masih tak mengoyahkan. Alhamdulillah.
InsyaAllah everything is going to be okay.
And I miss my boyfriend sangat-sangat.
Only 50 days to go. :)
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Razi & Shikin
'Long, nampak Razi!'
Aku pelik. Sangat random dia mesej aku. Senafas lepas tu baru aku teringat, adik aku yang seorang tu kat rumah Razi, anak kepada sepupu mak aku, bekas teman lelaki aku.
3 tahun lepas, aku still ingat macam mana susahnya hidup dia. RM10 dalam poket pun kadang-kadang takde. Tapi aku tolong dia, belikan dia makanan, hulurkan dulu dia duit untuk digunakan harian. Banyak lagi peristiwa major yang memberi impak dalam hidup aku. Dari dia aku belajar erti simpati dan empati. Tapi dari dia juga aku belajar erti lies, deceits dan bullshits.
Awal perkenalan aku dah terpedaya dengan lending him a large amount of money for the sake of his job. He basically took a deposit a customer paid tapi unfortunately, the customer tak jadi nak purchase the car and for him to cover, I helped him to pay it first. Kalau tak, mesti dah dalam jail kot. How naive I was huh. Sampai sekarang, aku tak pernah nampak duit tu lagi.
Tengah hubungan, kereta dia ditarik sebab tak bayar 3 bulan. Sebab simpati yang amat dalam, aku dulukan duit aku untuk bayarkan 3 months + denda ke pihak bank. In the end? Heh. You go figure it out.
Terakhir sekali, aku ke rumahnya sebab dah hampir 2 minggu tak jumpa dan rupanya ada perempuan lain dalam rumah itu. Patutlah masa tu dia tak kisah pun tak jumpa dengan aku.
Dia cuba pujuk aku balik, tapi masa tu aku dah nekad. Nekad untuk keluar dari relationship tu.
Aku cuba mintak duit aku balik, pelbagai-bagai cara. Tapi satu tahap tu with him, aku sedar aku rather lose the money than having to listen to his shits ever again.
Aku tak tahu kenapa aku boleh jatuh hati dengan sikap panas baran, bongkak, boastful dan suka pandang rendah kat orang macam tu. Entahlah, I still don't have the answer right now.
All I know is I am grateful that the woman he's marrying right now is not me. A bit envious because I don't think he deserves whatever shit he's deserving right now but mostly grateful because its not me.
I can't imagine how that woman can stay with him.
Mumzy keluar masuk bilik to make sure I was ok. She asked me apa aku rasa, give remarks like 'mamatok cakap, grand wedding dia', 'sedih tak?' and all. Mahu je aku jerit, aku tak rasa sedih pun. Not a hint of sedih, so don't worry.
Oh and unless you pay me back my money, I hope you guys tak dapat anak! And yes, I have that much vengence in me against him.
So cheers, to Razi & Shikin. Selamat pengantin baru.
Aku pelik. Sangat random dia mesej aku. Senafas lepas tu baru aku teringat, adik aku yang seorang tu kat rumah Razi, anak kepada sepupu mak aku, bekas teman lelaki aku.
3 tahun lepas, aku still ingat macam mana susahnya hidup dia. RM10 dalam poket pun kadang-kadang takde. Tapi aku tolong dia, belikan dia makanan, hulurkan dulu dia duit untuk digunakan harian. Banyak lagi peristiwa major yang memberi impak dalam hidup aku. Dari dia aku belajar erti simpati dan empati. Tapi dari dia juga aku belajar erti lies, deceits dan bullshits.
Awal perkenalan aku dah terpedaya dengan lending him a large amount of money for the sake of his job. He basically took a deposit a customer paid tapi unfortunately, the customer tak jadi nak purchase the car and for him to cover, I helped him to pay it first. Kalau tak, mesti dah dalam jail kot. How naive I was huh. Sampai sekarang, aku tak pernah nampak duit tu lagi.
Tengah hubungan, kereta dia ditarik sebab tak bayar 3 bulan. Sebab simpati yang amat dalam, aku dulukan duit aku untuk bayarkan 3 months + denda ke pihak bank. In the end? Heh. You go figure it out.
Terakhir sekali, aku ke rumahnya sebab dah hampir 2 minggu tak jumpa dan rupanya ada perempuan lain dalam rumah itu. Patutlah masa tu dia tak kisah pun tak jumpa dengan aku.
Dia cuba pujuk aku balik, tapi masa tu aku dah nekad. Nekad untuk keluar dari relationship tu.
Aku cuba mintak duit aku balik, pelbagai-bagai cara. Tapi satu tahap tu with him, aku sedar aku rather lose the money than having to listen to his shits ever again.
Aku tak tahu kenapa aku boleh jatuh hati dengan sikap panas baran, bongkak, boastful dan suka pandang rendah kat orang macam tu. Entahlah, I still don't have the answer right now.
All I know is I am grateful that the woman he's marrying right now is not me. A bit envious because I don't think he deserves whatever shit he's deserving right now but mostly grateful because its not me.
I can't imagine how that woman can stay with him.
Mumzy keluar masuk bilik to make sure I was ok. She asked me apa aku rasa, give remarks like 'mamatok cakap, grand wedding dia', 'sedih tak?' and all. Mahu je aku jerit, aku tak rasa sedih pun. Not a hint of sedih, so don't worry.
Oh and unless you pay me back my money, I hope you guys tak dapat anak! And yes, I have that much vengence in me against him.
So cheers, to Razi & Shikin. Selamat pengantin baru.
Friday, March 13, 2009
P fucking MS
Fuck. Hari ni kerja sangat tension macam babi!
Semua macam tak kena. Pukimak. Aku geram.
Gah.
Kerja aside, I am mighty frustrated with everything!
Arghhh.
I wish he was here so I could curl up on his chest and hear him telling me that everything's gonna be okay. Even when it's not. :(
Semua macam tak kena. Pukimak. Aku geram.
Gah.
Kerja aside, I am mighty frustrated with everything!
Arghhh.
I wish he was here so I could curl up on his chest and hear him telling me that everything's gonna be okay. Even when it's not. :(
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
butterfly
Ok, I am at the office right now. Hidung sumbat macam apa je. Sok sek. And I have a nice warm nescafe on my desk. Papers, stacks of working papers under my arms as I am typing this, but I just left it idle because I am just lazy that way. Bila officer nak submit baru I terpaksa kelam-kabut. Once a procrastinator, always a procrastinator huh.
I suddenly miss November, December and January. No work, no school, no commitments, no nothing. I could wake up at 12pm with no severe consequences - except for my mom pokpeks and I could hangout and sneak out just to have lok lok with the boyfriend without worrying the risk of kena marah like hell if I come home late.
Now its all routine. I'll wake up at 630am for subuh prayer, then sleep again after that to be kejut again at 815am for work. Sampai kerja, swap in, tengok emails, go for breakfast either at Darus, Majeed or mickeyD or just stay inside and fiddle with the computer until rasa macam kena buat kerja. Then lunch hour I will tend to persuade friends nearby to teman me lunch and then by 6pm I would get ready to go home (I am a contract worker so there's no allotment for any OT for me, hence the balik at 6pm dot!) Balik rumah, shower, help mumzy with some house chores, maghrib jemaah and then dinner, watch tv or read the newspaper and by 1030pm I will be in my room waiting for boyfriend's call which would usually last until 12pm.
Then it's all the same thing all over again the next day.
So honestly, whatever crap they tell us when we were in high school or uni, is just bullshit. They say we would be happy with our hard earned money, dapat freedom to enjoy with friends since we're not in school anymore, jumpa jodoh dekat kerja are just total BS! So kids, friends, cousins, please stay in school as long as you can ok and even if you have left school, try and be your own boss. You would be happier that way.
****
I will be heading to Bandung this 22nd with mumzy. Initially, it was supposed to be me and Sue's yearly getaway but since she went to London, her ticket had to be forgone. Its not transferable (only the dates), jadi mumzy lah jadi mangsa. So yeay, I don't have to fork out money for hotel and transportation. Bawak duit shopping and duit spa jelah. Oh that reminds me, I need to treat my mom for spa jugak kat sana.
I am going to do a different kind of shopping this time around. Am not gonna tell why because I am afraid I might jinx it, but yeah. Yeay.
Oh, the client's here. Lets get back to faking smile. Heh.
p/s: cousin, hush hush about this thing please. I don't need unwanted attention anymore and I don't want to be judged by them relatives. You know how they are. You're the best! Thanks hugs. Love you.
I suddenly miss November, December and January. No work, no school, no commitments, no nothing. I could wake up at 12pm with no severe consequences - except for my mom pokpeks and I could hangout and sneak out just to have lok lok with the boyfriend without worrying the risk of kena marah like hell if I come home late.
Now its all routine. I'll wake up at 630am for subuh prayer, then sleep again after that to be kejut again at 815am for work. Sampai kerja, swap in, tengok emails, go for breakfast either at Darus, Majeed or mickeyD or just stay inside and fiddle with the computer until rasa macam kena buat kerja. Then lunch hour I will tend to persuade friends nearby to teman me lunch and then by 6pm I would get ready to go home (I am a contract worker so there's no allotment for any OT for me, hence the balik at 6pm dot!) Balik rumah, shower, help mumzy with some house chores, maghrib jemaah and then dinner, watch tv or read the newspaper and by 1030pm I will be in my room waiting for boyfriend's call which would usually last until 12pm.
Then it's all the same thing all over again the next day.
So honestly, whatever crap they tell us when we were in high school or uni, is just bullshit. They say we would be happy with our hard earned money, dapat freedom to enjoy with friends since we're not in school anymore, jumpa jodoh dekat kerja are just total BS! So kids, friends, cousins, please stay in school as long as you can ok and even if you have left school, try and be your own boss. You would be happier that way.
****
I will be heading to Bandung this 22nd with mumzy. Initially, it was supposed to be me and Sue's yearly getaway but since she went to London, her ticket had to be forgone. Its not transferable (only the dates), jadi mumzy lah jadi mangsa. So yeay, I don't have to fork out money for hotel and transportation. Bawak duit shopping and duit spa jelah. Oh that reminds me, I need to treat my mom for spa jugak kat sana.
I am going to do a different kind of shopping this time around. Am not gonna tell why because I am afraid I might jinx it, but yeah. Yeay.
Oh, the client's here. Lets get back to faking smile. Heh.
p/s: cousin, hush hush about this thing please. I don't need unwanted attention anymore and I don't want to be judged by them relatives. You know how they are. You're the best! Thanks hugs. Love you.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
dynamo of volition
Aku demam. Campur selsema. Campur period pain.
Jadi hari ni aku cranky, cepat letih, cepat marah dan tak ada mood. Heh.
Mumzy is outside frying things for our tempura feast thingy tonight. The uncles and aunties are coming over later. I am in no mood to mingle, seriously.
Oh did I mentioned I went to Jason Mraz? He was one hella entertainer! Ah, no words to elaborate. Seriously, I am out of words nowadays.
I am only left with RM200 to last until the end of March.
And this nose, is like a running pipe.
ciao.
Jadi hari ni aku cranky, cepat letih, cepat marah dan tak ada mood. Heh.
Mumzy is outside frying things for our tempura feast thingy tonight. The uncles and aunties are coming over later. I am in no mood to mingle, seriously.
Oh did I mentioned I went to Jason Mraz? He was one hella entertainer! Ah, no words to elaborate. Seriously, I am out of words nowadays.
I am only left with RM200 to last until the end of March.
And this nose, is like a running pipe.
ciao.
Monday, March 9, 2009
the kinks
I have the mechanism to shut down my heart whenever I think its going to get hurt.
And now, I am feeling nothing.
Is that good or bad?
Please enlighten me.
And now, I am feeling nothing.
Is that good or bad?
Please enlighten me.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
3 words.
Pergi pukul 2. Dengan bul berdua. Berhenti di melaka. Sampai pukul 6. Ke singapura terus. Sampai pukul 7. He's already there. Hugged him tightly. Went to hooters. Enjoyed the tits. Jalan pimpin tangan. Tengok lampu-lampu. Lepas sedikit rindu. Balik pukul 2. Sampai at 3. Drove until melaka. Singgah ayer keroh. Bul pandu selebihnya. Sampai at 7. Singgah old town. Pulang ke rumah.
Discover true friend. Met the love. Fatigue, satisfied, thankful.
Thanks hasbullah.
See u in 60 days, love!
-via nokia
Discover true friend. Met the love. Fatigue, satisfied, thankful.
Thanks hasbullah.
See u in 60 days, love!
-via nokia
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
pendakap bab*
Dah 3 malam saya tak makan betul-betul
Dah 3 malam saya teringin nak makan makanan sedap-sedap tapi tak boleh.
Dah 3 malam saya kena gigit makanan guna gigi geraham.
Dah 3 malam mulut saya sengal-sengal dan hari ni dah ada ulser pulak.
Dah 3 malam saya tidur nganga mulut (amat buruk rupanya!)
Nasihat dari seorang yang dah rasa kepada yang tak rasa; jangan pakai pendakap gigi okay!!!!
Or even if you're jongang nak mams, tolong makan ketam, udang, pizza, epal etc (makanan yang kena guna gigi depan) before pakai braces!
Honestly, aku menyesal.
And I have to live with it for 1.5 years.
Hopefully in the end its all worth it.
*Take note please, saya pakai sebab mengada je nak pakai. Bukan sebab gigi saya berterabur or saya ada gigi arnab macam bugs bunny. Thank you.
Dah 3 malam saya teringin nak makan makanan sedap-sedap tapi tak boleh.
Dah 3 malam saya kena gigit makanan guna gigi geraham.
Dah 3 malam mulut saya sengal-sengal dan hari ni dah ada ulser pulak.
Dah 3 malam saya tidur nganga mulut (amat buruk rupanya!)
Nasihat dari seorang yang dah rasa kepada yang tak rasa; jangan pakai pendakap gigi okay!!!!
Or even if you're jongang nak mams, tolong makan ketam, udang, pizza, epal etc (makanan yang kena guna gigi depan) before pakai braces!
Honestly, aku menyesal.
And I have to live with it for 1.5 years.
Hopefully in the end its all worth it.
*Take note please, saya pakai sebab mengada je nak pakai. Bukan sebab gigi saya berterabur or saya ada gigi arnab macam bugs bunny. Thank you.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Love notes
Love note day 8: You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving,
Love note day 9: When we find someone who is brave, fun and loving, we have to thank the universe.
Love note day 10: When you love someone, you don't take anything for granted. You remember every smile, every kiss and every I love you.
Love note date 11: To love means to communicate to the other that ou are all for him, that you will never fail him or let him down when he needs you, but that you will always be standing by..
Love note day 12: It is a good thing to be rich and to be strong, but it is better to be loved - Euripides
Love note day 13: Just take my hand and rest your heart and stay awhile with me - Ashley Rice
Love note day 14: Not only do I want to spend today with you, my love, but tomorrow, the day after, and the very last day I'm given.
Love note day 15: Whoever lives true life, will love true love - Elizabeth Barret Browning
Love note day 16: Love isn't love till you give it away - Sounds of music
Love note day 17: Love is something eternal - the aspect may change, but not the essence - Vincent Van Gogh
Love note day 9: When we find someone who is brave, fun and loving, we have to thank the universe.
Love note day 10: When you love someone, you don't take anything for granted. You remember every smile, every kiss and every I love you.
Love note date 11: To love means to communicate to the other that ou are all for him, that you will never fail him or let him down when he needs you, but that you will always be standing by..
Love note day 12: It is a good thing to be rich and to be strong, but it is better to be loved - Euripides
Love note day 13: Just take my hand and rest your heart and stay awhile with me - Ashley Rice
Love note day 14: Not only do I want to spend today with you, my love, but tomorrow, the day after, and the very last day I'm given.
Love note day 15: Whoever lives true life, will love true love - Elizabeth Barret Browning
Love note day 16: Love isn't love till you give it away - Sounds of music
Love note day 17: Love is something eternal - the aspect may change, but not the essence - Vincent Van Gogh
Sunday, March 1, 2009
firestarter
Its raining outside and the sound and smell of rain ignites every memory possible.
I miss my carefree days, where I don't have to wake up every morning having to go to work, a work I dislike. Where I can spend the money given without feeling guilty. Where I can just do anything without feeling the consequences, knowing that I could fall back to my parents.
I miss my friends, when we would just walk around aimlessly just because we could. Where I can just hang around with them a little more longer talking craps and have a good laugh.
I miss the days when I was in school, so eager to learn new things - well, sort of. Sitting next to my bestfriend and gossip all morning about the boys, about the teachers and about our ambitions.
Now its just mundane, routine.
Perhaps that's how life goes.
sigh.
****
I miss my carefree days, where I don't have to wake up every morning having to go to work, a work I dislike. Where I can spend the money given without feeling guilty. Where I can just do anything without feeling the consequences, knowing that I could fall back to my parents.
I miss my friends, when we would just walk around aimlessly just because we could. Where I can just hang around with them a little more longer talking craps and have a good laugh.
I miss the days when I was in school, so eager to learn new things - well, sort of. Sitting next to my bestfriend and gossip all morning about the boys, about the teachers and about our ambitions.
Now its just mundane, routine.
Perhaps that's how life goes.
sigh.
****
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