Eff Graduation

And oh, Happy Graduation Hanah.
Heh.

After 3 long fucking years (when all my friends only took 2 years), I did not went for my graduation day yesterday, no pictures taken with friends with the mortar board and fucking rob, and no fucking over-priced flowers for me.

After 3 long fucking years. I am done.
And I am not exactly proud of it.

Fuck.

Finally 101

So he may not propose me with a ring in my cake with a quartet behind us singing our song (do we even have ‘our’ song?) in some fancy place and perhaps not on his knees with roses in his hands while promising thousand things and saying beautiful words but we were at ‘our’ place, overlooking the entire Shah Alam city and I am sure he did not expect me to be in the position of me bending to tie his shoe lace (which mind you, I playfully untie it before that). He pointed the ring box and asks me to open it and after a hesitant 1 minute, asked me the 4 words I have been meaning to hear from him. Finally huh?

And to make things even cuter, he did not even dare (I think) to put the ring on my fingers, instead I had to ‘try’ it on and it matched perfectly. And suffice to say, I was crazy embarrassed and I don’t know why but perhaps because it was not expected?

So yeah, the proposal may not be as perfect as I imagined it to be when I was 9 years old. And I hate being told by my grandma how Razi proposed Shikin in some fancy hotel with the ring engraved with their name and how there’s a quartet singing their song, but for some reason or for all the reasons that matters, it is just perfect for me. And hey, that is all that matters right?
So yes, his imperfections, our imperfections are the one that made this relationship perfect.

I love you.

random 103

1. Boyfriend is back. For a week already! I am so happy having him around. :) 1st day he got back, we checked into a hotel and gathered all our mutual friends and hung out together until dawn. Then for the next few days, he helped me around the shop and even accompanied me to the market. Yesterday, we hosted a friend's bachelor night. Today I met his whole entire family and sat down for dinner. It was soo sweet of him trying to compensate what he has left for the past 100 days, but so far, everything's going wonderful.

2. Fuck, I am beginning to despise a friend. I hope I could say it right in his face that he is a fucking insensitive moody bastard so that I wouldn't despise him this much! Only I know, when I tell him how he is effecting our relationship, he'll be even more insensitive and moody! The worst thing is, he is not even a close friend and I just go to know him recently. Maderfaker. And oh, a friend told me, when I don't like a person, it shows in my face. Heh.

3. Another close friend just got out from a relationship of 7 years. 7 bloody fucking years. Call her A. Anyway, I asked another friend of mine, B to go and be friends with A in a hope for her to forget about her ex. The thing is, I think they're going a bit too far. I am scared that one of them would get hurt in the process. Gosh. Apahallll la again aku TERjadi matchmaker?!

4. I am missing a very close friend. Someone that used to be there when the boyfriend was away. Hmm.

5. I hate doing what I am currently doing right now! Babi.

Ciao.

hatred love

Dear diary,

Today, or the past few weeks, I felt so lonely. Not alone but definitely lonely. At times I feel like running away, leave everything behind and start afresh in somewhere new where nobody would know me. At times I feel like I would want to break down, in the midst of everything, I would suddenly feel like I want to cry my hearts out but I just can’t because I am not that kind of person that show my inabilities, inabilities to remain calm and strong. At times I even feel suicidal, drink some toxic infused poison and lay in my bed with the air-con full blast and wait to die.

I know I have my family, my friends and the boyfriend but I feel like could not tell them with what I am currently feeling because I know they can’t relate to whatever shit I feel.
I know I have my God, but whenever I talk to him, I feel like I am not talking to him, if you know what I mean.

Here I am, in a place so familiar that I am starting to despise it. With the friends I love and see everyday that I am now finding it hard to talk to them let alone look them in the eyes and tell them that everything is okay, when things are not. When they ask how I felt, I would just smile and tell them that I am hanging on okay, when in fact; I wish they would ask me the second time so that I myself would be convinced with what I answered.

How I wish there are delete buttons – so that I could delete whatever memories I don’t want and need in my life, or undo application – so that I could re-do things that I regretted, or copy and paste application in this life.

But to conclude this, I am lonely. Just pure lonely.

Freedom

Shits. I miss being so carefree. (oh I told that countless of time, so what?)

I miss being free.

brothers & sisters

Boyfriend will be back in 7 days. Yeeaay!
I can't wait to start planning mm you know what lah. (I don't wanna jinx it.)
I miss him like gila okay. I got to talk to him for only 2 days and there he goes again. He would be uncontactable for 7 freaking days.

I am glad we're still as strong as ever.

****

My uncle went for a bypass the other day, and it freaked me out knowing my own uncle, someone I last met 2 months ago is still in the ICU after the surgery. I looked at my dad's wrinkly face and smile, feeling blessed because he is still infront of me, healthy, just healthy and happy.

The other he called me and ask me whether I would be home in time for dinner since my brother just got back from JB and he wants us to have dinner together. I ask them to go on without me because I don't want them to wait, just in case. But infront of Concorde I called him and luckily all of them are still in the kedai makan and so I joined them.
The minute I sat down, my mum said 'Dah lama tak makan sama-sama kan. I am so happy tonight.' She looked at my dad and nudged him and he said 'Tu lah. Dah lama tak macam ni. Lega tengok semua dah besar. And kaklong tak buat hal.'
Heh. Coming from a man with literally very few words, I smiled. Happy.

Then came questions from me such as 'ayah ada sakit jantung tak, jantung ayah sakit tak, high blood pressure ok tak, kenapa tak makan banyak-banyak, kerja penat tak.' He would usually disregard my questions because he thinks I am annoying that way, but that night he answered it patiently knowing his answers matters to me this time.

I can't imagine losing him. I don't want to imagine losing him. Losing them.

To Arina, I hope ayah ngah gets better soon.

****

It made me feel good when I paid the workers their salary the other day. But effing shit when I had to borrow some people money and had to hold some of the staffs' salary because I just can't afford to pay them yet.
Lucky we have that 7 day of the month maximum day labour law!

I wanted to buy my mom, my dad and my brother something. But it felt shitty when I hold that money in my hand contemplating on whether to spend it on my family or save it to buy stocks for tomorrow.
InsyaAllah I will prove to them one day that all this hardwork, my hardwork, is all worth it.

Now I am contemplating on staying up till 2am to watch lipstick jungle or to sleep because I have to wake up at 530am tomorrow. Heh.
Decisions decisions.

sambal sambal's doa selamat