whadafak

I am tired.
I feel fat.
I just ate rice when aku dah cakap aku taknak makan nasi for a week.
I am now craving for peanut butter choc waffle pulak.
I've got class at 630pm.
And I am tired.

Oh I wrote it twice.
Whatever.

Ta.

Day 17

I just had lunch in the office. Wanted to go Subway but malas bontot (lazy ass haha) to jalan and so I makan nasi jeeee. Gah. Now terasa guilty. And sekarang teringin nak makan waffle yum yum kat daily fresh. Peanut butter and choc bebeh.

Random nak mampus.

Sekarang tangan bau busuk sebab makan pakai tangan tadi. Gah.

Oh, saya dah beli Revolutionary Road sebab nak tengok Kate Winslet bogel, yes man sebab I think I need that little dose of laughter and Slumdog Millionaire sebab semua orang kata best.
Malam ni mahu menonton.

Mm. Fak saya rindu boyfriend okay.
Last 2 days I went out with my jiran and when he tersentuh my hands, I startled as in 'wow, lamanya takde physical contact with any guys' tapi then I felt guilty nak mampus sebab I felt that way. Haish.
I don't like LDR! Damnit.

Day 16

In the office.

I don't know how to express how I feel at this moment. Its all mixed up.
I miss him very much, and we talk almost everyday but his touch, his smile has somehow faded in my mind. I feel like I am losing him, in a way and honestly I am scared.

And then there's this juggling everything by myself feeling. With this stupid job I don't seem to like because its just to hectic and PR-esque and honestly I don't like to deal with people, go to the boardroom and present and end up with some measly pay which I don't think is worth it. With the 2 classes that I have to go every Monday and Friday after work (my class starts at 630 and ends at 930 and I work from 9-6.). With this registration of enterprise, trading license thingy, deco, find cook, find workers thingy that I have to manage on my own (and some friends). With the application of loan for my own 1st car. Gosh, I wake up everyday thinking that I should not have burdened myself with this kinda trouble but well, that's life and hopefully I could cope with it. I just wish he was here to help me go through all this. I wake up everyday hoping to have that extra 5 minutes sleep.

****

Aku tak sampai hati nak cakap kat dia yang aku letih sangat to talk to him for an hour every night before aku tidur. But honestly, I need that extra hour to sleep and to the people yang kenal aku, sleep to me is precious.

:(

bitchy beach

I am pissed.

Orang selalu tanya kenapa aku ramai kawan lelaki. Kenapa diaorang lagi nampak aku ramai kawan lelaki dari perempuan. Masa tu, seriously aku takde jawapan. Aku akan senyum dan berkata 'mungkin sebab diaorang buat aku comfy'. Period.

Memang pun aku ada ramaaaai kawan lelaki. Seniors aku dari sekolah Projek, kawan-kawan form 2 aku dari sekolah 9, kawan-kawan camping pengakap aku, kawan-kawan dari uitm aku dan even aku boleh make friends dengan kawan-kawan kepada kawan aku. Perempuan pulak, aku hanya rapat dengan seorang dari Convent, seorang dari Projek, seorang dari 9 dan seorang dari uni.

Kenapaaaaa?
Sebenarnya, sebab perempuan ni mulut jahat - asyik nak mengumpat je pasal orang, nak bergossip dan if mereka dah mula gossip, dari 100 fakta, mungkin hanya 10 je yang betul sebab perempuan ni suka bercerita macam mereka paling baik, paling mulia, paling setia kawan. Jadi sebab tu aku lagi suka kawan dengan lelaki. Diaorang memang banyak mulut, ada jugak kutuk-kutuk tapi semangat setiakawan mereka lebih tinggi dari perempuan jadi mereka takkan menjatuhkan kawan mereka sendiri. Lagipun lepak dengan lelaki sangat ceria, takde cerita pasal make up apa yang terbaru, handbag apa yang paling lawa, lelaki mana lagi handsome.
Sebab lagi satu ialah perempuan ni panas bontot untuk tengok perempuan lain senang. Semangat competitiveness yang entah apa-apa sangat tinggi. Kalau orang tu dirasakan lebih dari dirinya dalam sebarang segi, dia mesti akan rasa tak puas hati. Macam ada kekurangan pada dirinya, hence dia ambil keputusan untuk memuaskan the feeling by either bitching about perempuan lain ataupun cuba mengatasi kelebihan perempuan tu. Katakan perempuan A beli handbag baru, minggu depan mesti kawan dia pun beli handbag either sama tapi warna lain atau sama range tapi mahal sikit. Confirm.
Lagi, perempuan ni sensitiif tak tentu pasal! Cuba kalau kau kutuk lelaki gemuk. Ada dia kisah? Laugh it off je lah! Perempuan, cuba kau cakap baju dia macam kecik sikit untuk dia yang dah tak sedar gemuk tu. Mesti merengek ataupun mula marah-marah macam baru lepas kita kutuk pulak mak bapak dia!

Pergilah mampus.

Tapi paling aku benci ialah sejenis perempuan yang talam 14 muka! Depan kita kawan, friendly, baik, senyum-senyum macam takde apa pun yang berlaku. Tapi belakang kita, kutuk kaw kaw punya sampai membolehkan orang yang mungkin senang makan kata orang macam dia ni percaya. Kalau kau tak puas hati kat aku, tell me in the face. Jangan canangkan satu kampung padahal aku tak tahu apa-apa pun sangat reasons kau buat macam tu. Bagitahu aku apa yang aku dah buat salah kat kau. And please lah, tak payah lah nak pass pass cerita. We are so not in high school anymore, eventhough maybe you did not notice sebab boobs kau tak pernah besar sikit pun sampai sekarang! Hahaha. Bitchy gila aku ni.

To me, aku selalu pegang pada prinsip 'A friend, they never break up'. Sejahat mana seorang tu, semulia mana dia tu, kita akan terima each other sepatutnya sebab that's what friends are for. Tapi perempuan sial macam ni, aku tak kisah hilang as a friend. Hah!
There I said it all!

Pegi mati ok. Dahlah boyfriend rempit nak mampus.

*Maaf, ni post geram.

Day 8

I am in the office already. Haish.

Entry sangat rambang.

This year, I have got a lot of plans to execute. I mean to really really execute.

1. To finish at least 2 CIMA papers. Heh. I am taking 3 papers so by the end of the year, I expect to finish at least 2. Do-able? InsyaAllah.
2. To have an asset, under my own name. Most probably a car and I intent to pay the installments on my own. (Duhh, aku dah kerja kot, takkan punya ayah nak bayarkan pulak.)
3. Mm I don't want to jinx this but what the hell. I am in the midst of opening up a business with my bestfriend.
The plan is to buy this restaurant/cafe at Sunway and run it. We've already met the owner and went to the place and it is the perfect place to run a restaurant to cater to the office people and college kids there. Will probably pay some deposit before Khaulah balik OZ and will start running it somewhere mid April when she comes back for her break.
However, I have this stupid work contract which I have signed that ends on August so will probably need someone with an F&B background to run it first.
Alhamdulillah mama is willing to invest.
So fingers crossed, this one will work out.

****
Had some argument with the boyfriend because he's worried that I am getting a tad too close with one of his friend, our friend.
The thing is, this guy is someone I know, before I even know him.
So the question here is, if he trust me enough, wouldn't he be ok with it?
Its not like I am flirting with that guy pun.

And to quote another friend; even if kau cakap kau takkan jatuh hati kat mamat ni, but kau bukan malaikat and aku taknaklah benda dah jadi baru nak aku tegur.
Heh.
So to make a statement; I love my boyfriend and I care for my friend. Just because you are not comfortable with me being friends with him, doesn't mean that I would end my friendship with him. Friends do not break up, ok? And I know my limits and I am sure he knows it too.

****
Oh here's a pic my schoolmate tagged in FB.
Gila tomboy ok dulu! Dang!













Gambar 8 years ago ok! Wooooo.

Day 7

Love note day 5: A small dwelling in the wild meadow will be enough if you are there with me -Japanese Love Poem

Love note day 6: The supreme happiness of life is the conviction of being loved for yourself, or more correctly, being loved in spite of yourself -Victor Hugo

Love note day 7: Although I have a lamp and fire, stars, moon and sun to give me light, unless I look into your eyes, all is dark night -Bhantrhani

Sorry for not writing in here. I've been busy doing things.

On Saturday, went out for lunch with Dilalala after dah lama tak jumpa and we just lepak catching up and talking about things - I love having serious talks with her. Then met the hommies at some kopitiam and talk talk talk some more. I even bought them cupcakes.
Gave some of them to hommies, some of them to the guyfriends and me and Dilalala finished the rest.

Then on Sunday, went to Bijou with Hola, Dilalala and Hiddie at Soho coz I wanted to shop a bit. (I love love love flea market!) But maderfuker I forgot my atm card punya nombor and I was scared to hit it the 2nd time so I decided that I don't want to risk my card kena telan. Jadi I only bought 2 shirts using Dilalala's money.

Oh, piccies are in Hola's cam.
Oh by the way, I know this sounds lame but Bo Amir Iqram is maderfuker hot! I mean his voice lah kan and the way he holds his guitar. I wish someone could sing like that for me.
Anyway, we saw him before he starts his performance at Wendy's but we just disregard him because he's not exactly cute or whatever but well I recognised him because I once pegi KL tower heineken party and he was spinning with Joey G. (oh, they're a duo - cosmicspacemonkey) and I went to his album launch at Laundry because I accompanied Mikey as Bo tu kawan dia. Thought his music would be like loud, you know, the drum n bass, trance kinda music like the one yang he spins but nooooo, its soo soothing the album itself is titled 'Bedroom Sanctuary'. So yes, jatuh hati. Auw. Go buy it ok!

****

Have been ffk by a lot of friend lately. Should've been out with the guyfriends last Saturday for Valentshit but they were acting girly taknak makan jauh-jauh.
Then should've been out with Daus for his belated birthday lunch but he did not reply my text. Heh.

****
Oh, banyak kerja. Gotogonowbyebye.

Day 4

Love note: There's nothing more wonderful in the world than the feeling you get from sharing and there's no greater happiness than the warmth you get from loving.

I hate going to the client's. I feel low. Period.

Breakfast: Roti canai with dhal and air masak
Snack: 2 keropok lekor and 1 nescafe
Lunch: Medium set fillet o fish
Dinner: 2 roti goreng cicah dengan chili crab punya kuah kat AC.

Apa jadi: Tak jadi apa-apa pun! Sama jeee! But still aku rasa lemah dan mengantuk je today. Semalam carbs sikit kot.

****
Tomorrow is Valentine's.
Ah to hell with it!

I am going to go jogging with my brothers, do my braces moulding, go Help to register CIMA, lunch with Sapek, John, Hola, Angah and Dila, then dinner with the family. And futsal 9-10pm.

Sunday ada lunch with Dause and plan to watch movie with the brothers.

So yeah, I am not thaaaat alone kot. I just miss him, a lot.

Another 96 days to go.

Day 3

Love note: My true love hath my heart, and I have his - Sir Philip Sidney

We talked for about 20 mins yesterday. Nak gaduh pun tak jadi because the time is too precious for us. Then malam kitaorang text each other, sampai aku tertidur with the phone in my hand. Heh.

3am I woke up to use the toilet and masa naik katil aku tengok baju dia dah hilang. Risau, I searched the entire room to find the shirt bawah bantal. Hugged the tee and fell back to sleep.

This morning I decided that I want to smell of him and so I sprayed his perfume a bit on my wrist.
Angaulah saya ni! Heh.

****
Semalam aku makan nasi bertambah. 2 kali je lah kan. Because I decided that I want to start diet today. I will give it a 1 week shot so we'll see how it goes ok.

Breakfast; Roti canai with dhal and air kosong.
Snack: 5 keropok lekor and air kosong
Lunch: The adik bought fillet o fish from mikeyD for me but Hemi called telling me that dia dengan Hola on the way to Subang Jaya and so I gave the burger to my collegue and went out to lunch with them. Had mocha pearl tea and gado-gado at Ayam Penyet. (Gado-gado is salads, eggs, keropok, binjai with kuah kacang dressing)
Dinner: Ceaser's salad with iced coffee. I love the ceaser's salad at AC, tp this time dia tak letak cruttons, tak sedap sangat ok.

Outcome: I lost 1kg today. Yeay.

****
Oh by the way.
In the midst of planning to buy a business. A restaurant somewhere at Sunway to be precise. The whole business, lock & barrell would costs rm25k.
Negotiations pending with several interested investors (ceh konon investors padahal nak pinjam duit parents.) and perhaps, perhaps it will happen.
Hopefully this year would be MY year, OUR year as I am tired of going through the whole work routine day by day.

****
An appoinment with the dentist this Saturday to do my braces moulding. Will start going to the gym rigorously next week.
Will try to fill up my days with many beneficial things.

p/s: I still miss him.

Day 2

Love note: Real love is patience and compassion, compromise and healing. It is forgiving..and forgiving and forgiving.

Rihanna's show will be delayed to a later date because allegedly, she had a big fight with her boyfie, who hit her real bad. Heh. Even Hollywood pun ada domestic assault ke?

Jason Mraz will be coming soon too. I may may go because I am mighty interested. If everything's well I will surely be going.

And Sunburst. Hm they've announced the official line-up the other day but only one international act was announced (other than then Indo's) which is N.E.R.D. I mean, yes I really really love Pharell but just ONE ACT for a bloody RM143? And I thought Coldplay, Prodigy would be coming (They put Coldplay under TBC - to be confirmed) So maybe TAG and Estrella would be performing but I can always go to Zouk to hear them spin and go for fly fm campur chart gigs for Estrella. Hm. Perhaps its just their marketing ploy. You think?

****
Shit, I may have to do my first OT. Lots of unfinished work today.
And here I am with this mild headache - hopefully it does not turn into migraine, missing the boyfriend who only texted me once today.

Will continue later aight.

p/s: I miss him so much.

Day 1

Love note: Even when we're far apart, you're always in my heart.

Today marks the first day he left for Singapore and will be gone for 3 months, hence the title.

The love note is the note I pull out from this jar of 100 notes he gave me. He asked me to promise to only pull out not more than one a day. And incidentally, that was the word that were written on the note, today.

****

I miss him already. Really bad. I put his perfume-sprayed shirt on my body every time I lay on the bed as if I was actually hugging him and the scent of him brings flutters to my heart and made me smile.

And when I really really miss him, I play this video of him just smiling while driving the car, with me laughing at the back. It was happiness.

And when I randomly think of him, I kiss this pendant I am wearing, knowing he's wearing the same thing would make me feel closer to him.

I know, first day and I miss him that much already.

How can I survive 100 days?

****
Anyway, sent him at KL central just now and I met his mom and sis.
Mm. I wanted to hug him badly but since they were there so malu a bit lah.
So I teman-ed him for his fag outside and we hugged cover-cover beside his mum.

It was so sweet.

p/s: Air mata aku dah bergenang okay.
p/s: I am celebrating my 1st valentine's with him this year, on my own.

the believer.

Long distance relationships are not easy. It is like believing in God. Trusting Him and talking to Him when he can't even be seen. You just believe he is there. And then there's the satan who would always try to sway your faith around and make you crumble. Well, sort of.

In 2 days I will be in my first and hopefully last LDR and it makes me nervous. There are like so many 'what & how ifs' in my mind that I don't seem to have any answers to. How would it be not talking to him for few days straight when you talk for hours every night? How would it be if he's not there when you get into trouble? What if you go on a date with another guy, is that considered cheating? What if you're asleep when he calls you? The list could go on endlessly but the ultimate question is, what if either one of us has a change of heart?

So to me this thing right here is like faith. If you believe in it, then believe in it and do not be easily swayed by other influences that might ruin the relationship. In the end, like faith, it will reward you in something unimaginable to the heart. Happiness.

Hence, right now I am trying to be strong, absorbing this moment and thoughts of him so that I would not be diverted into something that could destroy everything. Right now I am trying to understand that life and love would not be exciting if its just straight path all the way. Smell the roses, hear the birds and smell the air because like a walk, love and life is an adventure.

I will always, always try to make this work.

p/s: less than 50 hours before he's going and I think his phone went kapoot because I can't get through him for the past 2 hours! Gah. I miss him, already.

introduction part 2

1. Full Name: n/a
2. Nicknames: Hanah, Han, Eton, Farah
3. Birthday: 13 September 1985
4. Where were you born: Hospital Sultanah Aminah, Johor Bahru
5. Zodiac Sign: Virgo
6. Male or Female: F
7. Year: 2009
8. School: Convent JB, Projek Section 11 Shah Alam, SMKS 9 Shah Alam
9. Occupation: Procurement Exec
10. Residence: n/a
11. Screen Name: n/a

__Your Appearance___

12. Hair Color: Black with brown streaks
13. Hair Length: Shoulder?
14. Hair style: Wanted to do ala Cameron Diaz but got ala Hanah style; messy.
15. Eye color: Dark Brown
16. Height: 163cm
17. Braces: Soon
18. Glasses: Contacts
19. Piercings: Two. But have been wanting to do a navel and tongue, just not brave enough yet.
20. Tattoos: Not interested.
21. Righty or Lefty: Righty

___Your 'Firsts'___

22. First best friend: Debbie Chua
23. First Award: First place in primary 3?
24. First Sport You Joined: Swimming
25. First pet: A tortoise my dad found in the drain in front of the house.
26. First Real Vacation: Bangkok, I think when I was 4 years old?
27. First Gig: LSV's gig somewhere at Hartamas. Not my kinda crowd.
28. First Love: n/a

___ Favorites___

29. Movie: Armageddon. I would cry even for the thousandth time.
30. TV Show: Friends & SATC
31. Color: White and black
32. Rapper: Pharell, Timbaland and T.I. Hotness!
33. Band: The strokes and BSB; contradicting but we basically grew up with BSB. Such a liar if you don't know at least 1 BSB song by heart.
34. Song Right Now: The fear - Lily Allen

35. Friend: Hola, Sue, Ain, Ili, Zhn, Daus
36. Candy: Jellybeans!
37. Sport to Play: Futsal l
38. Restuarant: Delicious for the dessert, Chilis & Murni for the food and Bora & Rahsia for the ambience
39. Favorite brand: -
40. Store: -
41. School Subject: Add math & math?
42. Animal: Cats
43. Book: Fictions?

44. Magazine: Hot, Juice & Female
45. Shoes: Aldos and Nine Wests

___Currently___

46. Feeling: Bored - That's why I am doing this!
47. Single or Taken: In a relationship?
48. Have a crush: Not at the moment?
49. Eating: Nothing
50. Drinking: Plain water
51. Typing: skfjalkjfsa?
52. Online: Yup
53. Listening To: The cars zooming by and Lily Allen

54. Thinking About: What to write next?
55. Wanting To: Be at Laundry right now.
56. Watching: The screen?
57. Wearing: White PJs

___Your Future___

58. Want Kids: Yup. 3 little brats.
59. Want to be Married: To him, hopefully.
60. Careers in Mind: CEO of an MNC
61. Where do you want to live: TTDI Hills
62. Car: A simple Land Rover would do

__Which is Better With The Opposite Sex___

63. Hair color: His?
64. Hair length: Short?
65. Eye color: Dark Brown
66. Measurements: Just nice. Urmm.
67. Cute or Sexy: Sexy
68. Lips or Eyes: Lips
69. Hugs or Kisses: Both?
70. Short or Tall: Tall
71. Easy going or serious: Easy going
72. Romantic or Spontaneous: Romantically spontaneous
73. Fatty or Skinny: Just nice
74. Sensitive or Loud: Not too loud thank you
75. Hook- up or Relationship: Relationship
76. Sweet or Caring: Sweet. Too much care can be suffocation.
77. Trouble Maker or Hesitant One: Neither

___Have you ever______

78. Kissed a Stranger: Nope. Not that impromptu
79. Had Alcohol: n/a
80. Smoked: n/a
81. Ran Away From Home: Was upset with the parents and crashed at a friend's house with my mom's knowledge. Does that count?
82. Broken a bone: Nope
83. Got an X-ray: Yup. Thrice I think.
84. Been with someone: Too general.
85. Broken Someones Heart: Unfortunately I think I did, several times.
86. Broke Up With Someone: Yeah.
87. Cried When Someone Died: Yeah. When grandad passed away.
88. Cried At School: Yeah. Had a big fight with Lin.

___Do You Believe In___

89. God: Yes.
90. Miracles: Yeah.
91. Love At First sight: No.
92. Ghosts: No.
93. Aliens: There's definitely something out there.
94. Soul Mates: Yes.
95. Heaven: Yup.
96. Hell: Yes.
97. Kissing on The First Date: Nope. Cheeks maybe yes, but no not the full blown kiss.
98. Horoscopes: I constantly read it, but thats just about it.
99. Fortune cookies: Nope. You just don't randomly pick up a cookie, break it and think that your fortune right?

___Answer Truthfully___

100. Is There Someone You Want But You Know You Can't Have? No.

it's not me, it's you

Lily Allen dah keluar album baru. Woot.
Aku nak start a cult yang puja dia, boleh?

introduction part 1

Let me introduce to you a bit about myself.

• I am a virgo. Virgos are touted as perfectionist. Tapi aku langsung takde nampak ciri-ciri perfectionist dalam diri aku. A friend told me that maybe in certain sense I am a perfectionist, tapi aku dah kaji betul-betul diri aku, memang takde ah!
  
• Aku dulu paling kutuk perempuan yang hisap rokok. Tapi sekarang ni I smoke a pack a day dan ciri-ciri sakit dada tu dah mula ada. Tapi its all good now sebab since mak aku dah tahu aku smoke, macam-macam yang dia dah cuba buat to help me quit. ie: 7 days intensive programme, nicotine patches, nicotine gums and she even called the hotline anti-smoking campaign yang dalam paper tu. Tapi kalau aku sendiri takde rasa nak berhenti, macam mana?
• Aku ada 3 orang bestfriend yang aku dah kenal dari umur 12 tahun dan 15 tahun. I have trust issues. Only people who got my back yang akan stay. Others would only be there for a while.
  
• I am a pervert. Mostly lawak-lawak aku adalah lawak lucah. Aku rasa kadang-kadang aku lagi pervert dari guys. Sebab tu most of my guy friend thinks I am open-minded, kot.
• For the first time, I am in a long-distance relationship and for the first time, aku rasa aku nak khawin, dengan lelaki ni. Boleh kah?
• Dulu aku straight A student. Serious. Straight A UPSR, almost straight A PMR, half of straight A SPM (kira banyak A lah jugak!) tapi now I think there are just too much fish in the pond. I am a mediocre and I think being a mediocre would be fine too.
• I drive like a guy. Blame it on dad for instilling that traits to me. But I am proud of it. My brothers think I am cool.
  
• My dad's mom is a Chinese who was adopted by a malay;muslim family hence the slit eyes, rude kiasu behaviour and small tits. My mom's grandmom was a Japanese teacher who came to Malaysia during the war hence the slit eyes as well, the small nose and kinky fetish mhmm. lol. Ah but I wonder why I did not have those hardworking and clever traits of the Chinese and Japanese.
  
• I believe in karma. What goes around, really comes back around. Cheated 2 boyfriends, got cheated by 2 boyfriends.
  
• I can sleep 24 hours straight. Straight. No kidding.
  
• I believe world can be a better place if we would just forget our differences but focus more on our similarities.
• I used to despise my mom. Blame it on the teenage angst. But she's one of my confidante now and I grew to really love her not just because she's my mom but because I love her.
• I love beach holidays. No, not those OTT expensive resort ones but the secluded wooden chalets, blue water, and the friendly people kinda beach holiday.
• I used to love snow. Before I actually felt them. Its freaking murder! Aku lagi suka panas kot, boleh pasang aircond dari sejuk nak mams tak boleh rasa tulang pun. No wonder the mat sallehs come here when its winter there.

cruising alone

Hola will be going back to Adelaide end of this month.
Sue will be going to London for a year this 21st.
And boyfie will be on-board beginning this Tuesday up to 3 months!

3 closest person in my life leaving!

Come on everyone, leave me already! You guys love to leave me alone right? Righhhttt?!

numero uno

Okay, new start, new beginning.
Tired of answering things.
What will I write in here?
Something that's just me me me (so I am thaaaat vain!)
Go on and stalk me if you think I am worth reading but really, its all about me.
Duhh.

Ta.